Live, Love, Laugh

Life is a winding road

2012-01-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

Looking at yesterday's post, I realize it may convey that I'm super depressed or something. I'm not. We are just at one of those forks in the road. As the scripture says, "Be still and know I am God." I'm trying very hard to be still and breathe...and listen to God. I'm not exactly sure where this new path will take us and we're at that point in journey where everything is unknown and you don't know what's around the bend...but you're pretty excited to find out!

I've decided to go back to school and change my professional field. If all goes well, I'll be starting classes in April (cross your fingers that I get into my program!) and heading off into a new career come summer. WOW! It is scary and exciting and entirely uncharted territory. Andy and I feel confident that this will be a good change for our family, but you just never know what kind of storms you'll encounter along the way, you know?

Maybe I should be HOPING for storms?

I am reminding myself, while I'm breathing and trying to be still (so, so hard for me!) that life is about learning to dance in the rain, finding joy in the journey. And, at some point, you reach a point where you've thought and prayed and done everything you can, and all that's left is to breathe, like the song says. All you can do is keep breathing. We are trying to be thoughtful, prayerful, and wise in this new venture so your added prayers (cuz you don't pray for us enough, right?) are deeply appreciated.

And here's something...just for fun...

Still breathing...

2012-01-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

A few of my favorite things...

2012-01-21T21:28:00.001-07:00

Ah, The Sound of Music! *happy sigh*

OK, so there have been some new people join the ranks here at Live, Love, Laugh. Welcome, new readers! This is probably a great opportunity for me to re-introduce myself and do a list of my favorite things. I think I've done this before, but it's just too much fun, posting that song! I'm leaving out my husband and kids, cuz...yeah...of COURSE they're on top of my list of favorite things!

The Sound of Music. I mean, really. Captain VonTrap, Maria, the children! Wonderful memories of sitting around an old black and white TV eating popcorn and wondering if the Nazis would find the family! Oh, the childhood suspense!
Dogs. Happy, loving souls sent to give us comfort. I adore my dogs and dogs in general. I work with a dog rescue group, and I love it! I also braid and weave leashes and collars in my spare time, which I find very satisfying. LOVE dogs!

Music. Music is necessary for my sanity, so I'm not sure it should really be on this list since it's essential to my life as I know it. But I do love music and it's ability to speak to me and for me. I love hearing my kids singing at the tops of their lungs, just like my mom used to.
Writing. As with music, writing is essential for my existence. Words on paper, images in my head...connecting the two is powerful to me and integral to who I am.
Driving. Sometimes, I just have to get behind the wheel of my Jeep and take a nice, long drive to clear my head. There's something about being in the Jeep with the music going and the Montana countryside flying by the window that soothes me. I love to drive.
Rain. Oh my, the joy of rain (the physical, not metaphorical). Rain reminds me of spring and green things growing. It's refreshing, invigorating, and renewing.
Lazy afternoons with my kids. Nothing beats snuggling up in a blanket on the couch and reading or watching a movie with two of my most favorite people on earth (my kids, of course). Add my hubby to the mix and life is grand!

Well, those are just a few. How about you? What are your favorite things? ;)

Friday!

2012-01-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

I love Friday. It's the day I don't have to grouch at Nate about doing homework or getting his clothes ready for school the next day, or make sure Andy knows both kids need baths, or...or..or...or anything on that pesky list of "Things to Do". On Friday, the kids come home from school and we all just relaaaaaax. The TV and computers go on. Books come out. Tickle fights are had. Dogs and kids play loudly in the back yard. Naps are taken (if I'm lucky). I love hanging out with my kids. Nate came home super excited about writing in Chinese symbols today (for the Chinese New Year). Lizzie can't keep her tongue away from the gap in her bottom teeth. The dogs were sooooo happy to see Nate this afternoon cuz they knew it was play time. Fridays are full of the little moments that make life worthwhile, for me.

Thanks goodness it's Friday! :)

Fighting

2012-01-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

I don't like fighting. I figure people who fight are lacking the communication tools to have a meaningful, successful dialogue to resolve their differences. Seriously. I am that obnoxious. I have said before that I have a long fuse but a big BOOM when I go off. And so it has been today. Oh my!

On a normal day, this is me:

"Zup?"

I'm big, slow, easy-going. I don't let much get to me. I hate losing my temper, I don't like conflict, and I strive to avoid both of those things. A nice, peaceful existence is all I ask for. Seriously. Is that too much to ask for?

Well...yes, it is.

Here is me today:

"You who the what, now??"

The difference? You guessed it. Someone messed with one of these:

Mama's cute Baby Bear

Grrrrr.

I fight hard for my kids and for my family. It's who I am, it's how I was raised.

What sets you off? What do YOU fight for?

For a friend...

2012-01-18T13:20:00.001-07:00

When my mom died, it was (as my dad pointed out recently) like a bomb shell going off in the middle of my life. I missed her (still miss her), and my life--heck, the world in general--wasn't the same. A year and a half later, I still think this cannot possibly be my life ... this isn't how it was supposed to be. My mom is supposed to BE HERE. But she's not. The world marched on, but not mine. My world was in tiny pieces. I'm still picking up the pieces.

So, this is for a friend who is experiencing something similar. I love you, dear friend.

"These days of dust which we've known will blow away with this new sun." I don't think the pain ever really goes away...but each day is a new day. Each sunrise is painful now ... just a reminder of another day without the loved one you're missing. But eventually ... yes, sunrises bring hope again. Hang on until then.

Express yourself

2012-01-13T22:27:00.001-07:00

I've been coming back to this blog all evening, sitting here and looking at the blank page. I don't know what I want to write, but I find myself wanted to express...something. It brings to mind one of my favorite movie lines: "A happy person is someone who EXPRESSES their feelings. Express, not repress." Well, if I could put my finger on it, I'd spill it all out here for all to see and go about my life, much happier for having done so. As it is, I sit here in cyber space crying, "Hear me, hear me!" but I can't find my message. I feel locked in my own head, trapped by the thoughts swirling and whirling around.

I should probably just shut up and delete this post. But...on the other hand...maybe there are others out there who feel the same way. Maybe knowing someone else feels confused and a little lost will give them the courage to find their words and express themselves. So...go! Speak! Words can be hard (trust me, I know--I'm a writer, and they're still hard for me!), but the search is worthwhile. Borrow them, sing them, scream them, write them. Just get 'em out there.

"This is your life, this is your time..."

Support

2012-01-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

One the most amazing things about the adoption world is the people you meet who help and support you along the way. Strangers become your best friends, the ones you vent to, laugh with, cheer for. I have been blessed with a great bunch of ladies who have been my support these past several years. And you know what? I am so glad I could support them, too! I love feeling useful. I'm glad that my knowledge or insight could help someone along their adoption journey.

I think so many of us are prone to say, "No really, I've got it. I don't need help." But, have you considered how much others WANT to help? I know I rarely do. I hold people off at arm's length, even as they say, "I want to help." It wasn't until a friend interrupted my usual, "No, I'm okay," with "Mary! LET me help!" that I realized or appreciated that people don't just offer their help, support, advice, etc. to be polite. They do it because they love you and want to help. They cannot stand by and watch you go through the hardships you face without offering to watch the kids, make a meal, haul your junk to Montana from Wyoming in their horse trailrr (true story).

And so, this is a big THANK YOU! Not only to those to support me, but to those who ALLOW me to support them. Thank you for the honor of being in your lives and trusting me with your heartaches and your joys. It truly means more than you will know.

Sing...sing a song...

2012-01-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

How many times have I said that songs often give me the words I've been searching for? That they express emotions I'm too weary or just too scared to express. Lots? Oh...yeah...guess so. Anyway, here's some songs for ya'! And hey...why don't you crank it up and sing along, eh? It's a stress reliever, believe me. :)

Have I posted this one yet? I can't remember. Oh well. It's Mumford and totally worth listening to again (and again and again and again...)

January is shaping into a kind of melancholy month for me. I and several of my friends have "hit the wall" as it were, with adoption. People outside the process don't see and don't really understand the emotion turmoil that often constitutes an adoption journey. If I could convey it in words, I would. I would lay it all out for you, dear readers...the tears, the hope, the heartache, heartbreak, the love, joy, and sweet sorrow. Each journey is as unique as the individual taking it, but so many of us find ourselves saying, "I will hold on as long as you like...just promise we'll be alright." And we hope it the darkness to see the light.

So, do me a favor and send out some extra prayers for the adoptive families you may know (or know about). They need a boost, they need a kind word or a smile. It is a painful, glorious thing, adoption. We can use all the love and support we can get.

Here's hoping the rest of January is awesome (since my nephew's birthday is usually a kind of good-luck date for me). Enjoy the melancholy...but remember to keep your chin up and remember the skies are still blue and the sun still shines...There's still reason to love and laugh. :)

Sharing time

2012-01-05T21:27:00.001-07:00

Today, I thought I'd just share a few web sites for y'all to check out. Sound good? Alrighty then!

First, some adoption profiles/blogs. My dear, dear friends who are still waiting:

Sheyann and JJ are waiting and hoping for their second child. They live in Idaho, and they're awesome! I'm totally in love with their little boy, too. What a sweetheart!

Susan and John are hoping to adopt their first child. Susan is one of my favoritest people. We've been in the same support group for years, and I just love her.

Eleanor is my bud. She teaches English as a second language to little kids! How cool is that? She and her partner Kate are waiting for their first child.

I almost forgot! Bridget and her hubby and hoping for kid #2! Fun and fantastic family in UT!

Yes, we're still waiting, too, but you're already ON our blog, haha. (I'm a dork, sue me.)

This is a blog I was linked to today. SO what I needed to hear! Made me laugh, made me cry, made me even more determined to be kinder to myself. Check it out here.

Hyperbole and a half makes me laugh and makes me think. Her stories about her dogs just CRACK me up! But there's serious stuff on there too. *Language warning: F-bomb used at times*

You won't think you're a geek...until you visit this site, and then you'll realize your inner geek has been there all along, wishing to come out and play! :) I spent a great deal of time yesterday being thrilled at the super fun stuff on this site. Oh my, the fun!

So what are some of you're favorite sites? Feel like sharing? Huh, huh? Wanna wanna wanna?? Come on, all the COOL kids are doing it! :)

It's complicated

2012-01-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Vega 4 caught my mood today. Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. The situations and decisions we are faced with are rarely easy or straight-forward. And what we feel about those decisions and situations? Oh my, talk about complicated!! I hope this year is filled with more simple pleasures, simple joy, simple relationships (that's hoping for a lot, I know!).

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ah, a fresh new year. A time for new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams and goals. Do you make resolutions? I've stopped making resolutions a couple years ago. I figure I'll just do the best I can, each and every day. Some days the best I can do is awesome...sometimes not so awesome. But I still try.

You can only do what you can do, my mom used to say. Seems like I've been wishing I could do more lately. Spend more time with my kids, make more money at my job, grow more spiritually, be a better wife. Is it just me? Anyone else not feeling good enough, smart enough, etc? Gee, I wish I could remember how awesome I am, all the time! I wish I WAS awesome all the time. But, we're all of us human.

So, maybe in addition to trying my best, I will also forgive myself more often. Give myself a break when I fall short of my own expectations.

Sounds like a plan.

An update from us

2011-12-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my last post. It is certainly nice to have this blog to vent on when I need to. So often, I just let issues roll off my back rather than voicing my opinion; I figure if someone wants my input, they'll ask for it. But, since I was directly confronted about that issue on an adoption forum and dismissed as clueless and unwilling to face the harsh realities of adoption, I really needed to blow off some steam. Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful responses.

It has been a lazy week here at the Boyle house. I'm not sure my sleep schedule will ever recover from the Christmas weekend. Lizzie had a hard time sleeping at Grandma's house, so I got to stay up with the little insomniac. Note to self: 2 hours of sleep a night is not optimum for Mommy. I've been trying to catch up ever since we got home. *yawn*

We decided to give Nate a special treat and let him stay at Grandma's for the week. He'll be coming home on Saturday. I have missed my sweet boy, but I hope he is having tons of fun and enjoying his break. He is such a little man, he really did need to just cut loose and be a 9-year-old kid.

Anyone have fun plans for New Years? Any resolutions? I think Andy and I have a date with pizza and wings that night...and a DVD. We're a wild bunch around here, can't you tell? Not sure if we'll let Nate stay up or not. Last year, he fell asleep around 10 p.m. heeheehee. And he's sure to be tuckered out when he gets back. We shall see!

Can't believe another year is gone. Where does the time go? I don't know if this year will bring our missing kid(s) home...or if they're ever coming home. Adoption is unpredictable, just like life. We continue to hope and pray that we will find the little spirits meant for our family. You never know what's right around the corner.

Screwed up

2011-12-27T23:33:00.001-07:00

I know I'm going to step on toes with this post. But guess what? It's MY blog! So THERE! :P Bleeeeeh.

I am so tired of people insisting that all adoptees are screwed up, horribly traumatized people who wander the earth wondering who they are...that they're somehow damaged goods...they live in emotional turmoil and feel incomplete, out of sync, alienated from the world and people around them.

I willingly acknowledge that some (maybe even most...who knows?) adoptees feel this way. Guess what? NOT ALL!

Thing is, when someone says "all" or "every", they're not really speaking for the individual. They're making a sweeping generalization that obliterates the faces in the crowd and lumps them into one blurry "THEM." As the daughter of an adoptee, I take offense. Don't you dare presume to speak for my father, who is a very educated, well-spoken, forthright man. He is a mighty man, wise and thoughtful. He is not screwed up.

I get a little irked when people presume to tell me I must be clueless to think that adoption can be a good thing. Thing is...I have lived with my father's adoption my entire life. It has given me a unique perspective. Did it give my dad issues? I believe so. Did it irreparably damage him? Absolutely not! My dad is living proof that the sum of a person is not so much the events in their life, but how they choose to use those events. Do you grow from them, or let you weigh you down? Do your challenges become a stepping stone or a stumbling block? Adoption is something that happened in my dad's life...it does not define him. To lump all adoptees together with huge, sweeping generalizations does such a disservice to not only those who have chosen to be happy with their adoption, but also to those who are struggling with it. Do they not deserve to be individual voices, telling their own stories?

I won't go into my dad's adoption story. It's not mine to tell. But know this: My dad is awesome. He is amazing. He is adopted.

Just a song today

2011-12-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

Christmas is a melancholy time of year for me. I don't know if that will ever change. I think I will always miss my mom so, so much at Christmas. Words cannot convey the joy and zest she brought to each moment, but especially Christmas. So, just a song that has helped sooth my tired soul today. Yep, it's Mumford & Sons. Are you really surprised?

Just for fun

2011-12-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm in a fun mood tonight. I was reminded today that I am glad to be ME. Even though being me kinda' stinks sometimes (I think), I am an unique and awesome individual (stand back, lest the awesomeness overwhelm you!), with a kind, compassionate husband and marvelously dynamic children. ROCK ON, Boyle family! WOOT!

Seriously, I'm one of those people who believes most things happen for a reason. If I take out even one piece of my life so far...pull at one colorful string in the intricate pattern of my life...and it all falls apart. Do I wish some things hadn't happened? Oh, you betcha'! But I also believe that I can let those things shape me into a better person or I can linger in sadness and despair. And the whole sadness and despair thing isn't really an option for me, because I have too much life to live still. I have kids to raise (and more to adopt, I hope), a husband to love, family to support! Places to go, people to see! Do I get sad? Uh...YEAH! Do I get depressed, of course! But I also pick myself up, dust myself off, and KEEP GOING!

I've been having the best time dancing to this tonight (in my chair, haha!). Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Each life that touches ours...

2011-12-06T19:25:00.002-07:00

I learned of a dear friend's death today. She was one of those quiet, good people who drew others in and loved them in such a way that they were reminded of our Heavenly Father's love. I will forever cherish the memories I have of her and her dear husband, who passed several years ago. They were the grandparents I never had. They came to my graduation, remembered my birthdays, and attended my wedding. The last time I saw her (regretfully, a few years ago), she was talking about her husband and missing him so much; I know it is with great joy that she is reunited with him.

Colleen: A gentle soul, a beautiful heart, a treasured friend.

So, a song for my dear friends, past and present. Thank you for touching my life and making me better.

Each life that touches ours for good

Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;

Thou sendest blessings from above

Thru words and deeds of those who love.

What greater gift dost thou bestow,

What greater goodness can we know

Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways

Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

When such a friend from us departs,

We hold forever in our hearts

A sweet and hallowed memory,

Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

For worthy friends whose lives proclaim

Devotion to the Savior’s name,

Who bless our days with peace and love,

We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Lack of words

2011-12-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

I really dislike sitting down to write--whether it be for this blog or another writing project--and not having words. I sit and stare at the blank page, yelling at my brain to feed my fingers something to type, but it doesn't work. Today is one of those days. So, just a couple fun little videos that I hope bring a smile to your face this snowy day.

First, one of my favorite scenes ever (EVER!!), from Charlie Brown's Christmas:

And the second...well, our adoption video, of course! View! Smile! Share!

Have a great day, y'all! :)

Good-bye November, hello December!

2011-12-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

One final song. What do you want for Christmas? I'm sure a few of my adoptive families out there answered, "Gee, I'd love a match or to bring home a baby." I hope we expand on that, and we're able to just wish to have our families around us. You may be a family created through birth or adoption, foster care, or maybe you don't have kids yet; whether you're a family of 2 or 12, pull your loved ones around you and enjoy the love, joy, and simple beauty of the season. Remember God's love for you, that He knows you, and really does have a hand in your life.

And thus closes Nat'l Adoption Month for our little blog. Thanks for dropping by!

Dream big!

2011-11-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it seems like adoption is all about hopes and reams. Hoping for a match with a family, dreaming of the child who will eventually (hopefully) join the family. Dreaming of the family you want for your child, hoping that child will have the life you've envisioned for him or her....

Hope, hope, hope...

Dream, dream, dream...

Here's to all our hopes and dreams (and yours) becoming realities in the upcoming year!

Tree hunting day!

2011-11-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, we decided we would rather go up into the mountains and cut our own Christmas tree. We've made it a tradition. It is, on the whole, a lot of fun. Lizzie especially had fun this year, running around after Andy. Here's the day in pictures. Enjoy!

First, breakfast at Perkins!

"Yes, I AM the cutest thing you've ever seen!"

"I'm too handsome to be cute."

Then it was off to the mountains! We took Old Dog with us. She hasn't had much chance to be out and about with the family lately, so I thought this might be fun for her. She disagreed.

"I'm not talking to you!"

Lovin' every minute of it!

I refrained from singing 'The Sound of Music.'

Snow angels!

Aw!

Yes, yes. You ARE handsome and wonderful!!

Shelly is ready to go home!

A wonderful time was had by all (except Nate, who kept saying it was "boring"...where have I gone wrong with that kid?). I love being in the profound silence of the mountains. Time loses its meaning, and I find myself at peace among God's creations. Until Nate yells, "I have snow in my boot!"

Hope y'all are having fun with your own holiday traditions! Do feel free to share what they may be. :)

Today's song:

"If you feel discouraged

When there's a lack of color here

Please don't worry lover

It's really bursting at the seams

Absorbing everything

The spectrum's a to z"

Remember...our view of life is so limited. You never know when your black and white view will burst into vivid, beautiful color! Such is life...such is adoption. Never take any of it for granted.

Confidence!

2011-11-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

Here's a song for those at the beginning of their journey...or in the middle and just wondering where they heck they're going...

A little confidence...or even just telling yourself you HAVE confidence...makes all the difference. And I love the line that the Rev. Mother gives Maria: When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window. Let's not forget to look for those windows in our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, here we are! The day before Thanksgiving! I hope you are all feeling as lucky and blessed as I am. Life can be so chaotic that we forget the simple, wonderful things that make life...LIFE.

Today's song reminds me of adoption because my good friend (who is planning to place her baby for adoption) says it reminds her of adoption. It's a quiet song, but very emotional. Try turning off the lights and just...listening.

2011-11-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

I know! I'm missing more and more days, here! It's a busy time of year around my house, so bear with me y'all. Today's song...one of my all-time faves. Makes me cry a little every time I listen to it. Today's version is by Adele, cuz I just think that lady has SOUL, baby!

I think this song is not only about lovers, but ANYONE you love...I'd go crawling down the avenue for my husband (cuz he's so darn amazing), but also for my kids. I'd go to the ends of the earth for my siblings. I wish I could make all my kids' dreams come true. There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do...

Pieces of my heart

2011-11-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

I've been missing my mom so much it hurts. I always miss her. I will always miss her. A wise friend told me once, "The heart break doesn't go away, but it gets easier to breathe." So true. I still feel like I'm picking up the pieces of my shattered heart, even though I know the piece labelled "MOM" will always be missing.

So, here's a song for those of us with missing pieces. Pieces labelled "Baby Boy" or "Mom" or "My Little Girl." Maybe even "Biological siblings" and "Birthmom." Here's to the courageous people who still walk on, even though it's hard and we feel sad, insecure and flawed. You're not alone. We all feel like weeping, we all have little shards of our hearts somewhere out there. While I sincerely believe we are supposed to find joy in our journey, I also believe that enduring sadness and heartbreak help us to find that joy...and help us share that joy with others.

Um...days...whatever...

2011-11-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

Oooookay, so this week has been busy! What, you mean the blog posts didn't magically transfer from my brain to the computer while I slept? DRAT! Well, here's another light-hearted song. I love Finding Nemo, especially Dory, and she has the perfect view on life...it applies great to adoption, too.

Day 15

2011-11-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today's song is by Greg Laswell. Just listen. You'll feel the adoption parts in there...

Days 13 &14

2011-11-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm falling a wee bit behind. *sigh* This is harder than it looks!

Today's song is on the lighter side, even though I sometimes wonder if this is how adoptive parents are seen: as Gogans instead of Nora. I know so many awesome Noras, just wanting to help, love, protect...

End of the week

2011-11-12T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wuhoo! 12 days in! Only...a lot more to go! Hm. Well, onward and upward. It's another Mumford & Sons day...

Happy birthday, Nate!!

2011-11-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's my little guy's birthday again. And he's not that little anymore! Wow, how the years fly! I do have pictures, but I left the camera at home (I'm posting from work tonight....ssssshhhh!). I'll have to add them later or put them in tomorrow's post.

Today's song? Well, it's just Nate, through and through. If you know him, you know he approaches life like it's one big ninja/super hero/spy movie. He is the intrepid hero, and his mission--should he accept it--is to be as awesome as humanly possible. Oh, and he accomplishes that mission, too!

D'oh! (Days 9 and 10)

2011-11-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, nobody's perfect. I did say I'd try to post every day.

I'm listening to Christmas music already. Yes, I know. But, I really, really like Christmas music! And, as you can imagine, it has kind of driven adoption-related lyrics from my mind. I'm not ready for a foot of snow or icy roads yet (Montana, remember?), but I do love that special feeling around Christmas time.

Wait...what was I supposed to be talking about? Ooooh, that's right: Adoption! Well, here's a song that speaks to me of adoption...it actually speaks to me of many things, and I've listened to it many times over. Finding joy in the journey of adoption can be such a hard thing. The ups and downs, twists and turns...when I'm on road trips I get car sick, and I have to say that the journey of adoption has often made me emotionally car sick. But...it's all part of life, right? Adoption or not, we all have our own winding roads, our own mountains to climb. I hope I can pause more often and enjoy the view...

Day 8

2011-11-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, Mom. I miss you so much I can hardly breathe. I never understood why you'd sit and cry when this song came on; I think now I do.

The Space Between

2011-11-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

When we went to pick up Nate from the agency, half the valley lost power. Traffic was backed up onto the interstate and all through town. We have driven an hour and a half and were just on the interstate, just off our exit ramp. It took us another hour to get to the agency. While we were sitting there, freaking out because we were late for picking up our first child, this song came on. I turned it up, up, up, so loud it was all I could hear. So loud it drove my anxiety away. So it always reminds me of adoption.

Yawn

2011-11-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

What day is that? Oh yes, day 6. I haven't been feeling well, so forgive me if I'm a tad forgetful today. Today's song is about bed time. My parting words to my 8 year old tonight were, "You have 10 seconds to get in bed! 1...2..." Not exactly the ideal. Not what I envisioned in my "Someday When I'm A Mom" dreams. What can I say? I'm not perfect. I'm just a mommy who doesn't feel good, doing the best I can.

So, here's a little lullaby for my little guy. A lullaby for all the babies whose birthmoms aren't there to sing to them tonight. A lullaby for all the adoptive moms who get to sing one to a baby tonight because of adoption.

Day 5

2011-11-05T23:54:00.001-06:00

Adoption has a way of straining relationships, strengthening relationships, destroying relationships and forging new relationships.

No matter who you are in adoption, it impacts your entire life and the lives of those around you. I know my father's adoption affected me in very real and tangible ways, just as my efforts to add another child to our family affects Andy (obviously), my siblings (thanks for listening to my heartbreaks), my friends (ditto) and my kids.

Similarly, a pregnant woman's journey in adoption impacts not just her, but her child (or children), significant other/spouse, parents, siblings...Adoption is wide reaching, and it isn't easy on anyone it touches.

Adoption's rewards are sweet, its blows are devastating, and it changes not only how you look at the world, but who you are...or rather, helps you discover who you can be, if you let it.

Today is another 2 song day. The first is for the strong women in adoption, who so often muster ever ounce of strength and courage they have to venture into the unknown; terrified, but unafraid, we tread the path we think is best.

The second song is for the solid, loving men who remind us who we are when we cast our backward glances, second guessing ourselves; who comfort us when we weep and leave us alone when we need to think.

Day 4

2011-11-04T22:17:00.000-06:00

Oh, I've had a hard time thinking of a song for today! But I finally settled on one that is a little bit more upbeat. You'll have it running through your head all day long. "Happy is the heart that still feels pain; darkness drains and light will come again..." For sure. I'm not one of those super-optimistic people, but night will always push up day, as Mumford and Sons would say...actually...yeah, let's post that song, too. Two for one Friday!

I know I post this song a lot. But I love it. And it's my blog. So...there. (heeheehee)

Not forgotten

2011-11-03T19:52:00.000-06:00

It's easy for us ad adoptive parents to write about the joy that adoption has blessed us with. We have two beautiful, vibrant children who came to us through the miracle of adoption. And though I don't talk about her much, I never forget that my joy came at the cost of another woman's broken heart. I don't write about her here because...well, because she is our children's birthmom; and to me, that's kind of a sacred thing, not to be shared with the public in general.

Adoption is hard. Let's not forget, while we celebrate adoption and try to raise awareness, that someone else's arms are empty while ours are full. Let us not celebrate so loudly that we cannot hear the quiet weeping of the women who made our families possible.

Peace to you birthmoms, whoever and wherever you are. You are the true heroes in our adoption stories.

Nat'l Adoption Month Day 2

2011-11-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

Today's song speaks of adoption to me on so many levels. As an interracial family, we look past color and love each other, not matter what we look like, because we know each others' souls. And that's what matters in our family. Also, I love the thought of letting your inner self shine through, because that's what you have to do when you're getting to know these wonderful people called birthparents; any falseness, and the whole thing falls apart eventually. But, with open, honest communication a true bond and friendship can form and last a lifetime. Just my thoughts. What do YOU think?

National Adoption Month

2011-11-01T20:33:00.000-06:00

So, it's National Adoption Month, once again. I've been pondering what to do to "celebrate" this year. Usually, I just try to up my number of posts and strive to address adoption in each one, rather than whatever random thing is on my mind. This year, I am going to try to do a song a day for each day of November. And each song will remind me (or one of my friends...or one of you, my readers) about adoption. It could be the whole song; it could be one lyric, but something will make me think about adoption in that song. I may or may not explain my choices. We'll see. And, by all means, feel free to suggest your favorite songs that remind you of adoption.

Okay, here we go. First up: "Only You can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban. "I know there's a reason; and I know there's a rhyme. We were meant to be together, and that's why we can roll with the punches; we can stroll hand in hand. And when I say it's forever, you understand..." Yeah, you couldn't describe my feelings about family and adoption any better. We know Nate and Lizzie were supposed to be with us...we are SUPPOSED to be together as a family. We are so grateful that God brought us all together through adoption.

Just a song of the day

2011-10-26T20:54:00.001-06:00

This one spoke to me (again) today. I hope many of you are over your hills and seeing what is there. I am still climbing and holding with all I have...

Waiting with the song of the day

2011-10-21T22:10:00.000-06:00

Today's song of the day describes so perfectly how every adoptive family feels about the children they are waiting for, hoping for, praying for, searching for. When asked "Why are you trying to adopt?" so many of us will answer, "We just feel like someone is missing." And we will wait, pray and search for the children meant for our families...because when we find them and their birthfamilies...we find a piece of ourselves, that missing piece of the puzzle. That's how we feel about it, at least.

So here's to those of us who are waiting! Waiting for "the call" from our caseworker. Waiting for contact from an amazing birth family we just "click" with. Waiting for babies to be born, papers to be signed. Waiting...for our children.

Our adoption effort needs YOU!

2011-10-18T20:39:00.000-06:00

Just a short post today to ask (again) for your help and prayers with our adoption journey. We've been struggling along for four years now, and gee it gets discouraging! We could sure use some prayers, good vibes, positive thinking, whatever you feel like sending our way. We would also ask that you keep us in mind should you hear of anyone making an adoption plan (you know...not that OTHER super-cool family hoping to adopt...Darn, there's so many of us!). We are expected to be our own best advocates as an adoptive family, and that means relying on you--our family and friends--to spread the word and keep your collective ear to the ground.

We love you all and appreciate the prayers and effort you've put forth on our behalf thus far! Here's hoping this is our year...

Words

2011-10-15T20:50:00.002-06:00

I told a friend recently that "words are my default." This is especially true when it comes to writing. Happy, sad, angry, I tend to write about it all. Somehow, seeing the words on the screen or paper, describing what's going on in my head, in my heart, within my soul...it's soothing to me. It makes sense. It makes the world make sense. I pour myself out into my writing and come away with the bad stuff in perspective and the good stuff recorded in vibrant, joyful words to be revisited later.

Somedays, my words just don't come out right. They spin around in my head, refusing to be put down in any way, shape or form. On days like that, and on those rare days when I say to myself or others, "I don't have words," music comes into play. It gives me words and expresses my emotions when I can't. That's why I do my songs of the day, because it resonates with me and helps me express what's going on inside my head.

I found an awesome quote last week:

"I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality." (H.A. Overstreet)

So, today's song of the day. It's been a Deathcab for Cutie kind of day. And this song really described how I've been feeling lately: a tourist in my own life. Ever feel like that? Like you're just along for the ride? Here's a song for you....

"You Are A Tourist"

This fire grows higher

When there's a burning in your heart

An endless yearning in your heart

Build it bigger than the sun

Let it grow, let it grow

When there's a burning in your heart

Don't be alarmed

This fire grows higher

When there's a doubt within your mind

Because you're thinking all the time

Framing rights into wrongs

Move along, move along

When there's a doubt within your mind

When there's a burning in your heart

And you think it'll burst apart

Or there's nothing to feel

Save the tears, save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

Then it's time to go

And define your destination

There's so many different places to call home

Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written

It's plain to see

That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions

Would you agree?

If so please show me

This fire grows higher

When there's a burning in your heart

Friends

2011-10-05T12:38:00.000-06:00

The virtual world is such a strange place. You "meet" people, chat, even build relationships...without actually meeting. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to start railing against online relationships. I've never met some of my best friends...

There's the writing friend. We met through a mutual passion for a certain Sci Fi show. Yes, you read that right. We have known each other for four years now, our friendship moving from our fandom and into our love and pursuance of writing. She reads and edits my stuff. She's been reading and editing my stuff for years now. She encourages me, nags me, drives me, corrects me. When my mom died, she was one of the first people I told. She is my friend. She shares my joys and comforts me through my trials. I try to do the same for her, but I fear she is by far the better friend. I love this person dearly. I've never met her.

And there's my adoption ladies. We met on an adoption forum and bonded through our various experiences with scammers. We have cheered for each other when babies come home, and cried for each other when life is cruel. They have been there for me like few others. They understand. They know. I love them. I've only met one of the them.

Then there's the new friends who came unexpectedly into my life and are quickly becoming a bright spot in it. We are still learning about each other, and it's fun discovering what we have in common. I do love them, too.

I have more, but I think you get the picture. :)

I talk to new people all the time online. Some I've grown close to and count as friends. Some have twisted my words and actions for their own evil purposes. As with our non virtual relationships, some are worth the effort, and some...aren't. My sister posted a quote on Facebook a while back...

“There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard you forget the bad, and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.”

So...yeah... I'm letting go of pointless drama today and surrounding myself with folks to love me and make me laugh. If you're a friend...thanks. If you're not...take off, eh. "I have other things to fill my time..."

Song of the day:

One by one

2011-09-15T12:51:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine wrote a blog post about her blessings today. She asked, "What are your blessings?" Well, I have to say, I have too many to put just in a blog comment! :)

At church, we have a hymn that says, "Count your many blessings, name them one by one ... and it will surprise you what the Lord has done." What are my blessings? Glad you asked.

First, my sweet, loving, compassionate husband.

Yeah, he's so cute!

Andy pulls me through the tough times and is my quiet harbor in any storm. Corny? Don't care. Totally true. Twelve years of marriage, and I have to say I wouldn't have made it through some of them if it wasn't for him. He's the guy my kids run to with wide smiles and calls of "DADDY!" He's the guy that makes my heart skip a beat. Love him more than air!

Then I have my beautiful and wonderful children:

Nate the Great

Miss Elizabeth

Without their birthmom, I wouldn't even know these amazing kids. I am thankful for her every day. Witty, wise Nate and funny, sweet Lizzie are the greatest joys in our lives.

Then there's my family and Andy's family. We're all a little bit nuts, but we all love each other anyway. So many different people, different opinions, different views...but at the end of the day, we're still family.

I have a cozy house that keeps us warm and dry and a yard where my kids can run and laugh and be kids. I have some truly awesome people in my life I'm lucky enough to call friends. I have a running car (if you knew our luck with cars, you'd be thankful, too).

I have a knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who knows me as an individual and is aware of my trials and triumphs.

I am blessed with a heritage of faith and and strength.

So, now the question is: What are YOUR blessings? Name them one by one. The list will go on and on, and you really will be surprised by the things your take for granted every day.

On strike

2011-09-07T15:57:00.000-06:00

So, for some reason, our school administrators hadn't ironed out their contracts with the district before the school year started. Push came to shove, the union got involved (why does management have a union??), and long story short (too late?), the administrators went on strike. All the teachers are supporting the strike; no one is "crossing the line." So...no school for the foreseeable future. Bleh!

I decided to take some kids out for a fun trip this morning. No reason to mope around the house, right? Here are our adventures:

Adorable kid #1

Adorable kid #2

Future Broadway performer?

She'd follow him to the ends of thee world...

Me and Young Dog. I love her doggy smile!

Hey! There's a cute Hubby!

Look, Lizzie...

Young Dog and her boy. They sure have fun!

As you can see, a fun time was had by all! We went to the fish hatchery and fed the fishies and ran around like wild people. We also went to the park and had lunch and played. I am all tuckered out, and the kids are ready for round 2!

I hope the strike is over soon. I do love spending time with my kids, but they have to make these off days up, so the strike is eating away at vacation days, and I DON'T like that!

Anyone have ideas for fun stuff to do tomorrow? Or should I just make them clean their rooms?!

Nate the Great!

2011-09-02T00:39:00.000-06:00

When we found out about Nate's...well...existence, we went about finding a name for him. We liked the name his birthmom had given him, but it as very similar to a couple relatives' names, and we just thought it was too confusing. So, we decided to use that name as his middle name and find a new first name that suited him. Oh my! We went through every single name on the AOL Baby Names list, from A to N...right down to Nate. It took us hours upon hours! But as soon as I read aloud, "Nate" we both went, "Huh...yeah..." It didn't take any time at all for his cousins to start calling him Nate the Great.

I must say, he lives up to the hype.

Kind, thoughtful, an attentive brother and caring friend, Nate reminds me every day of what I should be striving to be. I am so proud to be his mom.

Here are some pictures of Nate the Great. No words exist that can describe how much I love this kid!

With Lizzie on the first day of school.
See the protective arm around her shoulders?

Soccer! His new love!

With his baseball awards!

My precious, precious son! He is growing so quickly. I can hardly wait to see the man he becomes.

Madness!

2011-08-27T15:01:00.001-06:00

It's back to school time! As always, I'm more nervous than the kids. My little girl starts Kindergarten this year, and I just don't know how that happened. WHERE did the past 5 years go?! No matter where they went, I am proud of the little person I'm sending off to Big Kid School on Monday. She's my sweet, giggly, bubbly girl and I just adore her!

Nate is excited to go back to school. He hates to admit it, but he really does like the routine and challenge school offers. He also likes the new clothes and school supplies, haha. Independent and capable, he is ready for 3rd grade! What a little man he is!

I guess today is just a day for being grateful for my kids and the amazing people they are. They teach me so much, and challenge me to grow. Thank goodness for adoption! For all it's ups and downs, ins and outs, strengths and flaws, it has made us a family. It brought our precious kids into our home. What a truly miraculous thing!

OK, I'm getting all mooshy now. *sniff sniff*

Many pics to come on Monday, as the kids head off to school. I think a quick trip to the lake Monday evening might be in order, too, just to help us blow off some steam from the first day. Hm. I'll talk to Mr. Hubby about it... ;)

Happy Back To School, y'all!

Hey, have you watched our adoption video yet? Well, why not? ;)

Oh, and before I forget to post this here. A fun day with friends!

Song of the day

2011-08-20T00:08:00.001-06:00

I heard this song not long after my mom passed away, and for a long time it made me cry whenever I heard it, but now I find comfort in the lyrics: "There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

I'm pretty sure I've posted it on Facebook before, but wanted to post it here tonight because a friend reminded me of the simple joys of sharing what we love with others. She brightened an otherwise dreary day. "So shines a good deed in a weary world." GO! GO shine light in someone else's weary world! Even the smallest thing can lighten another's load.

Another picture day!!

2011-08-14T18:43:00.000-06:00

I just don't have a ton to say these days. Pictures speak better anyway, right? Here's some more of what we've been up to this summer.

Nate took this pic on the 4th of July.

CHEEEEEESE!!

Wait, how do I turn this around...?

On the slide

Hey! There's a cute hubby!

Seriously? ANOTHER picture??

Nate and his first fish. Cousin Landon is on the right.

They were both so...um...excited...?

Ready for adventure!

Mmmmm...chocolate!

Where you invest your love...

2011-08-11T16:04:00.001-06:00

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I kind of started this post with a journal entry on Cafemom, but I wanted to expand on it since it's still kicking around in my head. So, forgive me if it sounds familiar.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I treasure...the things I put the most value in. Family, friends, my relationship with my Heavenly Father...all these things are on the top of the list; but what things at the bottom of the list are robbing me of time for the things at the top of the list? Does my list too often get turned upside down so the least important things are given the most value? I know it happens; I think it happens to all of us.

I'm not here to say how we should all be living our lives. What works great for me isn't going to work at all for someone else, and vise verse. Maybe what I'm getting at is that I'm trying to be better. I've been "just getting along" for a long time, and now I'm taking a good look around, at my life and how I'm living it and thinking some things have got to go, and some things have gone that I didn't mean to let get away. I wrote not too long ago about change; life can change on a dime...but when we try to change ourselves, it takes a lot of work. I think I'm finally ready to get at that job again.

What about you, readers? What have you been trying to do better or improve on/at?

Ah, and the song of the day: "In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life." (Mumford & Sons, Awake My Soul)

More pictures

2011-08-10T12:20:00.000-06:00

It's a picture kind of day...

Whutcha' thinkin' Lizzie?

Big grins!

Gone fishin'!

Simply mawvelous!

Looking so grown up!

That's all for now! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! It has been a hectic one for us! Looking forward to school (but dreading it a little, too) for the kids. Summer has gone so quickly!

Missing

2011-07-28T00:13:00.000-06:00

It's one of those nights when I sit and miss my mom. I miss her every day, with every breath I take; but I don't let myself just sit and really feel it very often. The sorrow is just kind of...always there...in the background. Nights like tonight, I long for her laughter, her voice telling me it's going to be all right. And though I deeply believe she is still with me, that she still loves me, shares in my triumphs and pain...it isn't the same. Adjusting to a world without her has been (and continues to be) the hardest thing I have yet to do. Sometimes, I just have to take it day by day...or minute by minute.

I hope I can be the mom she always knew I could be. I think it's the times when I don't feel like I'm living up to expectations that I miss her the most. She was always my biggest fan, and she would cheer for me from the sidelines of my life. It's the times when I'm most weary, at my lowest, hardest on myself, that I really, really miss that.

I don't know that this post has much to do with adoption, except...Gee, I had a great mom! And I was so incredibly lucky to have her as a mom! And...Gee...I hope someday my kids say that about me. Because I'm striving with everything I have to be to my kids, what my mom was (and still is) to me.

Summer pics

2011-07-20T22:14:00.000-06:00

Oh, what do you do in the summer time? When all the world is green?

We go to the splash park...

...which is at the park just two blocks down from us.

We jump on the trampoline...

We go for drives...

We play in the dirt...

And we run like the wind as we race our friends!

A note about siblings (AKA an essay on love...yeah, it's long)

2011-06-24T23:09:00.001-06:00

As you can see from my last post, I have lots of siblings. Seven! Wow! Practically unheard of in this day and age! Andy has five siblings (all sisters) and two step-siblings (also sisters). With so many brothers and sisters running around, we often get asked something like, "Didn't you feel lost in all those kids?" The short answer is, "No." But since when do I give the short answer to anything, haha?

Andy and I both grew up loved and individually recognized in our big families. Not everyone feels that way, of course. But, for us, it was the best way to grow up. Far from feeling lost in the crowd, we really felt as if we had more attention because of our siblings. My brother D taught me to read. My brother G taught me to ride a bike.

There are probably people out there thinking, "Well, shouldn't those be things your parents do? If your parents didn't have so many kids, THEY would have had time to do those things with you." Well...fact is, if my parents hadn't had so many kids, I wouldn't be here. Seventh of eight, remember? However, let me address this statement. I love that I have those memories with two of my brothers. I love it! Pictures of me and my brother M, with D reading to us bring back such warm and tender feelings. And G is still that brother running along behind, ready to catch any of us if we fall. My sister L is my best friend (after Andy), my brother M is one of my heroes, and the list goes on and on.

I cannot express gratitude for our large families without mentioning Andy's sister S, who saved his life by donating her bone marrow. He was 15. She was 21. And don't get me started on the rest of his sisters! Our first date, we doubled with Andy's sister L. His sister T orchestrated and pushed (sometimes gently, sometimes not) our new relationship along. B (the oldest) took our engagement pictures. B (the youngest) makes Andy feel like a million bucks whenever they spend time together.

Our warm and fuzzy view of big families seems to be one not shared by most people these days, especially in the adoption community. How could we love a third child as much as we love our first and second? You would be surprised how many times we've run across this sentiment in our adoption journey. Oh my! Love is only limited by the people you share it with! I can understand wanting a child to feel special and loved. Guess what? Andy and I both feel special and loved. I don't think that's nearly as unusual as people think it is.

Nate is our super hero in eight-year-old clothing. He is ten feet tall, and just waiting for his body to catch up. He is gentle and thoughtful in ways far beyond what you would expect from and eight year old. Nate thinks deep thoughts, and really studies the world and forms strong opinions about that world. He loves to read. He loves his dogs. He misses his biological brother, but likes getting emails from him. He thinks growing up with white parents is weird sometimes. He hates it when Andy and I kiss in front of him.

Lizzie not only marches to the beat of her own drummer, she dances to her own orchestra. I often think that if life were to suddenly turn into a musical, with everyone singing and dancing down the street, Lizzie would feel right at home.

Lizzie's ideal world

My sweet girl has a wicked sense of humor, and loves to hog the lime light. She adores her brother, and thinks he is the most perfect person on earth, even when he's mad at her. She, too, hates it when Andy and I kiss in front of her, but she likes it when we hold hands. She loves to jump on the trampoline. She likes to sing along to Blue October, Mumford & Sons, and The Firetruck Song. When I look into Lizzie's eyes, I see the depths of eternity stretching out before me.

Wow, we can't WAIT to find out who kid #3 is! What awesome and unique characteristics will he or she bring to our family!? Will he or she hate it when we kiss? Will they be play sports? An instrument? Draw, paint? Maybe they'll be a whiz at technology! What amazing things will they accomplish? What new way of seeing the world will they introduce us to? I'll bet he or she LOVES Nate (everyone does). Guess what? We will know them just as well as we know Lizzie and Nate. Just as our Heavenly Father knows each of us.

If your heart is open, there's no limit to the people you can welcome into it. And each one is unique and loved for the wonderful person they are. And the love you give is given back to you, and you find that we really are all brothers and sisters, on this strange journey of life together...and if only the rest of the world would realize this, how wonderful it would be!

That's the way I see it, anyway. My two cents. For what it's worth. Take it or leave it.

~ Mary

It's all about ME!

2011-06-24T12:10:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday to MEEEE! Okay, so my birthday isn't till next week. I wanted to give my siblings a chance to help me edit and update this post, so I'm making it early. You've read the kids' birth and adoption stories, so I thought I'd put my birth story in, just to have it down somewhere. I need to do Andy's, too.

So here's what I remember from the various retellings of the day I was born. I hope my siblings can add more of their own memories later. :)

I am the seventh of eight children.

Look, there we are! What a good lookin' bunch!

I was a difficult child from the get go, I guess. Haha. My mom was having a really difficult labor with me. She kept having contractions, but I just wasn't coming out. I remember her saying she and Dad went for a walk in the park (walking was supposed to convince me to come? I don't know...), and when she'd have a contraction, she would have to hang on to a tree so she wouldn't fall down. I have a very clear picture in my mind of my tiny mom holding onto a tree, gritting her teeth through the pain.

Our doctor finally put Mom on Pit and expected my arrival immediately. Mom was excited, because they had set up a mirror so she could see my birth; this was the first time she'd see one of her kids born. Contractions came, mom pushed. Doctor said, "I see...a FOOT!" But wait...no, not really a foot. It was my hand. "That's all I got to see," my mom told me once, "was your little hand."

As you can imagine, an emergency C section was done. I was positioned with my back down, one armed pinned under me (thus the little wave hello to Mom). The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, and all those big contractions had been choking me to death. I was blue when I was born. My dad never left my side when they were working on me. At some point, I came around. They washed me up and Dad followed me to the nursery to see me safely settled.

One of the nurses told my dad, "She must have a special mission here. That is the closest to dead I've ever seen a baby, and have it live."

So, here's the thing: I know there's holes in this story! I would LOVE it if my brothers and sisters would jump in and help me fill some of those holes. And I'm looking for pics of my adorable baby self. Maybe by the time it is my birthday, we can have a more complete story...so we'll call this post...To Be Continued...

Change

2011-06-21T13:45:00.001-06:00

The only thing in life you can count on is that i is always changing. People, places, relationships, they're constantly changing in small and big ways. Sometimes change is good, sometimes bad. Sometimes it's sudden, sometimes it's so gradual you don't even realize it's happening. It is almost always scary. And it is inevitable.

It seems like lately, just when I'm finding my footing after one change, another comes along to knock me on my butt. I'm not a big fan of change in the best of times, but the past couple years have especially soured me on it. The lack of change in our adoption status, coupled with the drastic and traumatic changes elsewhere in our lives often leaves me asking my Heavenly Father what more he could ask from me. I have started looking at change as some sort of punishment, something to be feared and avoided.

But, in truth, was it not a sudden change that brought Nate into our lives? From the time we knew of his existence to bringing home our chunky little guy was only two weeks. It was only ten days with Lizzie. Swift and glorious, the change each of them has brought into our lives is something we're grateful for every minute of every day. And so I continue to hope for glorious changes, happy changes; even when faced with deeply disappointing change.

I wish every change was smooth and easy, gradual and imperceptible. But that's not life. At least, that's not my life. Perhaps it means my Heavenly Father sees the need for drastic change in me...that I won't become the person he wants me to be without pushing and pulling me one way and another. Whatever the reason, I've realized I need to become used to the idea of change, both good and bad. As my mom would say, "You'll be alright." And I will be, because I am her daughter, and she raised me to be strong and determined, and to walk with faith.

Here I am, Momma. Do you see? I am trying. I am.

Happy birthday, Hubby!

2011-06-20T22:40:00.000-06:00

Today is my sweet husband's birthday. 35 years old! Gittin' old! Heeheehee He was born on Fathers' Day, the only boy out of six kids. And though he has almost died more times that anyone has a right to and still be alive (as one of his oncologists told me), he's still here. He's one tough guy, and the Lord has a mighty work for him to do yet. He has some amazing kids to help me raise; adventures to take them on, lessons to share with them, stories to tell and tricks to play. Everyone who knows Andy is blessed to have him in their lives. He teaches them the meaning of patience, courage, strength. He is not a perfect man, but he's the perfect man for me! I love you Andy! Happy birthday! And many, many more to come!

Song of the day, video of the day

2011-06-11T16:14:00.000-06:00

Today's song of the day is "You Always Make Me Smile" by Kyle Andrews. Oh yeah, and this is our new adoption video. What do you think? I didn't get much of our "Dear Birthmother" letter in, I'm afraid. Hmmm... Well, let me know what you think so I can work out the kinks, okay!

Have a great day!

While the family's away...

2011-06-11T00:05:00.000-06:00

Andy took the kids to his mom's house this weekend. I couldn't get out of work (bummer!), so I'm home alone w/ my girls (the dogs, of course). So, it's time for a Song of the Day! Wuhoo!

Mumford and Sons is my favorite band right now. LOVE them! Why? Well, as you'll see in this video, they are passionate about what they do. They're not afraid to get up there and sweat and rock out to banjo music. Yes, banjo music. Just...trust me. These guys love music, understand music, and have a ton of fun playing it!

And this one has been getting me through some tough days and nights: "You and I now...it'll be alright. Just hold on to what we know is right..."

and this one's just for fun, cuz my little girl loves to sing it (sorry to my FB friends, who've seen this video several times already):

"I know my call, despite my faults and despite my growing fears ... And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways, know my name when it's called again." Ah! Love it!

What are y'all listening to right now? I'm always looking for good music! :)

Dear Birthmother...

2011-06-08T22:53:00.000-06:00

You're out there, right? You're not just some figment of my imagination ... I'm not running around foolishly believing in someone who doesn't exist, am I? I feel like I should be talking in a hushed, fake accent, saying, "Today, we are in search of the elusive Birthmother, also known as Expectant Mother, in adoption circles. Very rare, these marvelous creatures..." Well ... you get the picture. I've been running around searching for you, waiting for you, praying for you, and yet you never seem to appear. I guess my big question is...are you searching for us? Are you out there somewhere, wondering where the heck your awesome little adoptive family is? (You know--the family who loves family movie night and taking long road trips. Yeah...that's us! Here we are!)

I hope you're searching for us as much as we're searching for you. But...maybe you're not. Surely, with both of us searching so much, we'd find each other. So maybe you're not searching. Maybe you haven't even given us a second thought. Maybe you decided you just couldn't handle having us in your life, because that would mean you've placed your baby with us, and that's too scary, too hard, too...too...too...

Dear Birthmother (for this is going out to the woman who will someday be a birthmother to one of our children), adoption is hard. For all of us. It is hard, and scary, and sometimes almost impossible. But we're here to help you through the rough spots if you'll let us. We're here. Come and find us.

Just stuff

2011-05-22T19:33:00.000-06:00

It's a rainy Sunday afternoon here in Montana. It's one of those perfect afternoons. The kids are playing together in the living room, the dogs are lazying at my feet, and Andy is cooking something up in the kitchen (Hey, good lookin', what ya' got cookin'?). It is the calm before another busy week. I live for days like this.

It seems like a good day to share some new pictures. I haven't done that for a while, eh?

Lizzie loves shoes. Heaven help us all!

There's a good lookin' kid!

My sweet girl

Fun on the swings!

Happy Mother's Day?

2011-04-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

Mother's Day is once again upon us. And I just don't know what to do with it. Before we adopted, Mother's Day was a cruel reminder that I wasn't a mother. I would rush home from church so I could cry, because even though the lovely people there assured me I was a mother (I just didn't have kids yet...which, if they'd stopped to think about it, was kinda' the POINT!), I felt like an outcast surrounded by women who could fulfill their calling as mother without outside help. After we adopted, it was hard to forget those pangs of Mother's Days past. I remember feeling so much relief when I finally had a child when Mother's Day rolled around...I finally was a mother! But those feelings of inadequacy, longing, and sorrow would creep back through the years to haunt and mock me, despite my best efforts. Guess that's why I'm human.

After we adopted, I had new pangs to worry about. Every Mother's Day, I mourn for my kids' birthmom's loss. I think of her alone, without her children, aching for them. I hope she has a measure of peace, but we always say an extra special prayer on Mother's Day, just in case. It weighs heavily on me that our joy came about through her sorrow. And that is something I hope and strive to never forget. So, strike two against Mother's Day.

Now, Mother's Day has a whole new element of sorrow, deeper and fresher than the rest. My mom died three weeks before Mother's Day last year. And now...it's a reminder that my mom isn't here anymore. (Not that I need a reminder; I'm always acutely aware of her absence, especially since we were so close.) Mother's Day has become a day I painfully grin while my children celebrate me, their mother, while I desperately miss my own mother.

There has to be a point in there somewhere, right? Maybe it's this: Whether you're a biological mom, a birthmom, foster mom, adoptive mom, or a woman wishing and longing to be a mom...don't wait to honor the women in your life. Don't wait for others to honor you in order to feel validated. I am grateful that I celebrated my mom always, not just once a year. She never had to receive my cards or gifts, because I told her almost every day how much I loved her. There was never any doubt of our love and devotion, and we didn't need Mother's Day to tell each other how much we adored each other. Life is oh, so desperately short. Too short to wait to say the words in your heart. Too short to wait to hear them from someone else. Give love, receive love, and go confidently through life knowing you won't regret showing that love. I know I haven't.

Each of us is surrounding by outstanding women in our lives. Look around...you know it's true. Tell them how wonderful they are. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Not because you're a mother. But because you are a loyal friend; a loving wife; a doting aunt; an understanding sister; a Child of God.

P.S. I try not to write about my mom on this blog too much. It is painful for me and probably uncomfortable for you. But the further I travel in this adoption journey, the more I realize (and am grateful) that my mom shaped me as a mother in so many ways I never imagined. And it only seems fitting that my grief would mark this leg of my journey and interweave itself into the tapestry that is my life--all aspects of my life, even adoption. So pardon me if my sorrow comes to the surface more often than you would like. But...really...it IS my blog, after all. *wink*

The little things

2011-04-27T15:12:00.002-06:00

Some of the fondest memories of my childhood are when we piled all eight kids and the dog into the station wagon and headed into the mountains for an afternoon picnic. The dog would be drooling those long strings of drool that hang off the sides of a dog's face, and one or more of us would be getting carsick. We'd pull up to a little clearing and we'd all spill out to spend the day in the fresh air and bright sunlight. We'd eat Spam sandwiches and drink Shasta pop. And then my dad would nap on the blanket while the rest of us scattered to the wind.

My mom was always the driving forces of these little excursions. When our meal was done, she'd be the first up the mountain. We were a veritable Von Trap family, climbing over rocks and laughing our heads off at...well...each other. Yes, I did manage several renditions of "The Sound of Music" while attempting to run down a hillside with my arms outstretched as if to embrace the entire world (in case you were wondering).

It's the little things. I close my eyes and relive an entire afternoon with my parents and siblings in a matter of moments; the wild flowers bending in the breeze and the solemn, sacred silence deep in the pines.

I guess I'm not sure why I'm recounting all of this. Maybe because the sun is shining today and I'm starting to believe that maybe summer really will come one of these days...maybe because I miss my mom and her endless energy. There are moments that I try to recreate for my children, though. We pile them and the dogs in the car and wander the countryside. Or we'll pack a lunch and stop somewhere along the way. It's one of those little family traditions, I guess...the kind that you just do for so long, your start to forget where it came from. Nate and Lizzie don't know I love those drives because they remind me of my mom and her "let's DO this!" attitude, and my dad's quiet joy at watching us run around the mountains like hooligans. They just know I make them do it.

So, here's to the little things that keep us going! The little things that remind us of home. The little things that turn out to be big things, in the long run.

Almost forgot the song of the day:

Song of my heart

2011-04-18T22:25:00.000-06:00

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you
when you have forgotten the words.”

I've had that quote stuck in my head for about a week now. It reminds me of my mom. She was so great at singing the song in my heart. She used to say (and my dad still says), "I love your heart." I always loved that phrase. I love your heart. I know you right down to the very heart of who you are, and I love you anyway. I love what motivates you. I love your fears and weaknesses. I love the very innermost part of you, not just what you put out there for the world to see.

See? Pretty great, right? Well...I have pretty great folks, what can I say? ;)

Seriously, though. I have come to the realization that I have so many friends singing. I think I take you for granted sometimes. But please know that I do love you and appreciate your support through this crazy adoption journey! Thanks to the friends at work to listen to me whine about it. Thanks to my adoption ladies who assure me I'll survive it. And thanks to my family who shares it with me. I love you all! I hope I sometimes sing back at you. Adoption is hard...life is hard...and sometimes you just need reminding of who you are and what you're doing.

Song of the day: It reminds me of my mom. Oh, how I miss her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBgJ8i5wx10

Dancing in the rain

2011-03-24T00:46:00.002-06:00

The subtitle of this blog is one of my mom's favorite sayings: "Life isn't about weathering the storm; it's about learning to dance in the rain." You'd think that dancing in the rain would be easy for the woman who used to love to take long walks in the rain and splash in puddles, right? Yeah...not so much. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to dance in the rain, but I keep getting hit by lightning. OUCH!! That's not exactly the experience I was hoping for!

Searing bolt to the head: Bad!

How does the old saying go? Not enough sense to get in out of the rain? So what am I supposed to do? Get out of the rain or dance in it? So confusing. Dancing would be so much easier if it more like this:

Watch out for the lightning, Gene!

I think my mom knew that sometimes, you can't just hunker down and wait it out. There are always storms in life, and you have to just get out there and face them! Even if you get zapped once in a while. Sometimes you walk into a faint drizzle, other times a complete downpour. And if there's lightning, learn how to dodge it, if you can!

I know I talk a lot about overcoming adversity and/or challenges. Maybe I shouldn't. This is my adoption blog; I should be light and perky, right? Well...wouldn't you rather know that a family has gone through adversity and hardship and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more capable of meeting other storms that may be looming on the horizon? Challenges help us grow, teach us humility, and make us strong.

"As you overcome adversity in your life, you will become stronger. Then you will be better able to help others -those who are working, in their turn, to find a safe harbor from the storms that rage about them."

--Joseph B. Wirthlin

I don't know if I have a deep and profound conclusion to draw today. I just got hit by lightning again, and I feel a bit singed at the moment. Draw your own conclusions. Are you a dancer? Why or why not? And have you noticed that by dancing in the rain, you are more capable of teaching others to do the same, and help them up when they get zapped? I hope so. And I hope it has helped be to be a better mom, wife, sister, and friend.

Oh, I don't know

2011-03-20T17:37:00.001-06:00

I've been wondering what to write about all week. It has been such a busy week, and with nothing to show for the business. I was frantically getting paperwork together for an agency, as we were going to be presented to a birthmom. We were a great match for what she wanted. We felt really good about pursuing this little guy (yes, a boy!), so much so that we hardly gave a second thought to the fees that would empty our savings. We pushed forward and every day that went by, we felt was bringing another little miracle closer to coming home.

But he didn't. He won't. DCFS stepped in and took that baby boy into custody. I have to admit, I'm still smarting a bit. This wasn't some vague "I know a lady who knows a girl..." kind of thing, or some attention seeking scammer. This was the most solid adoption opportunity we've been presented with in over a year. So I'm giving myself permission to be just a little heart broken about it falling through. I'm allowing myself to wish I was on a flight to pick him up right now. I'm letting myself wonder what he looks like, how he would have felt snuggled in my arms.

But I also keep going. If you keep your eyes downcast on the adoption journey (or any journey), you miss out on the beautiful vistas that crop up sometimes; all you see is the muddy track or the lines on the road. You will stumble, you will fall, but keep those eyes up, keep them on the horizon. Find joy in the journey.

Perfection

2011-03-09T16:05:00.003-07:00

This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. As an adoptive family, it's hard to keep perfection out of your head. You try not to compare yourself (of your family) to that other perfect adoptive family, who all have perfect hair, a perfectly kept yard with the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood. They are so dang adorable in their profile photos! And you know that the lovely blond mom never yells because that cute little boy with equally blond hair squeezed out all the toothpaste into the sink. Said cutie would never do such a thing! And you know that the handsome dad works a great job that pays a lot so his beautiful wife can stay home with the afore mentioned cutie. And you just know that their life is bliss and wonderment all the day long.

Well...that's what you think, anyway. The truth could be far from the picture you paint in your head. Or, it could be exactly the same. Only that family beaming back at you from that perfect adoption profile really knows.

I look at those families, though, and wonder "How can we ever compare to them? When a birthparent is looking through the profiles, surely they'll choose that wonderfully perfect family."

"Perfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self criticism is significantly deterring."

I guess what I'm getting at...what I'm trying to tell myself...is that each of us (and each of our families) is its own piece of perfection. We are not the family I described above. My kids don't wear designer jeans. They wear whatever is on sale at Walmart or Kmart, or whatever hand me downs they've scored from their cousins. All our haircuts are free...I cut Andy's and the kids', and my Mom in law cuts mine. My kid DOES squeeze out all the toothpaste. And she lets the tub run over and flood the bathroom. And my son think he's a ninja and loves to practice his moves on the toothpaste squeezer. My husband and I work in a dying but noble profession (the newspaper industry), and we enjoy it, even though both of us have to work to make ends meet. We are two white parents with two black kids in a predominantly white area of the nation. And I have to admit, I sometimes (especially lately) wonder what on earth we have to offer a birthmom. We've been waiting for a child for 3.5 years, and the question in my mind has gone from "Why won't someone choose us," to "Why would anyone choose us?"

So here's what my awesome little family has to offer! (Feel free to list off your awesome family's awesomeness, too!)

We know how to work hard. We do work hard, and support ourselves and our kids. We teach our children to work hard, to be productive, contributing members of society.
At the end of the day, our kids know they are our entire world. It doesn't matter if the bathroom flooded or if blood was shed in the pursuit of ninja...ness. They know they are loved, cherished, adored beyond words.
We don't take ourselves too seriously. Laughter is heard daily in our house...and music...and we are often observed dancing around like loons in our living room. And that's okay! We are perfectly silly and crazy! And when those beautiful children laugh, angels sing.
We might look different from other families, but you can't mistake the joy in my kids' eyes. It comes from knowing they're loved, that even though they look different from Mom and Dad, they still have a sense of belonging because they belong in our family! And guess what? Every child we adopt will have that same sense of love and belonging! Isn't adoption an amazing thing?!
We have huge extended families, and that ROCKS!!! Long road trips to family reunions with relatives we don't really remember from one year to the other? Bring it on! This is stuff that awesome childhood memories are made out of!
Andy and I may not be Brangelina, but we love each other deeply, passionately, completely, with a love born of trust and respect. Besides, he's adorable. How can I not love that guy!? *girly giggle*

Anyway, I'm not writing this post to be...I don't know. This post isn't about self promotion ("choose us, we are the best!" uh...no, we don't roll that way), and I hope no one looks at us from the outside and thinks of us as "perfect." Adoption isn't about competition or comparing ourselves to each other. Life isn't about that, either. It's all about being the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be. Remember what my mom always said, "You can only do what you can do." We can only be who we can be: Genuine, loving, caring, fun, adventurous...I know all you adoptive families reading this are all those things. As the old saying goes, "God don't make no junk." That includes families!

So, my inner dialogue will be something I work on from now on. Because we rock! :) And someday...that "perfect" birthmom will come along and think we are perfect...for her.

A song to send you on your way with a smile...

Sharing is caring

2011-03-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a unique voice from the world of adoption. We do not hear from the birthfathers in adoption near enough, in my opinion. Here is a brave, outspoken young man who is offering us all a glimpse into the heart and head of a father preparing to place his daughter for adoption. You don't have to agree with him. You do have to respect him; adoption is a painful journey for birthfathers, too. I have learned a lot from him in the few weeks we've known each other, and his voice deserves to be heard. Go check his blog out:

Baby Darling

Happy January, everyone!

2011-01-26T00:40:00.000-07:00

January is a pretty special month around here. (It's also a pretty sad one; if you search back to last year, you'll see what I mean, but I'm not going to talk about that today. Only happy thoughts today!) What's so special, you ask? Well...let's see...

My nephew,J, was born at the end of January! I think he's the one who started all this January goodness. :)
Andy and I began dating at the end of January 12 years ago. In fact, this exact week 12 years ago, I couldn't get a certain friend of mine off my mind. I was a sorry case. Last Saturday marked the 12th anniversary of the phone call he made to me, asking me out on our first "official" date, after knowing each other for six years. Sunday marked the 12th anniversary of me knowing I was going to marry said friend. This Friday/Saturday will be the anniversary of that date. And the rest, as they say, is history. Glorious, wonderful, fulfilling history!
We moved to Wyoming at the end of January. Oh my! What an awesome blessing that was! My mom used to say there's nothing in Wyoming but sage brush. I'm here to say there's sage brush and beautiful, loving people who would literally give you the shirt of their back if you needed it. I am deeply humbled by the friendships we made there. I long for the people there, who treated us as family. But, as one of them wisely pointed out to me, they are always with me, even if they aren't nearby.
We learned about a certain little baby waiting for a home at the end of January. In an email marked Jan. 28, 2003, (still saved) I read the words that would change our lives:

Dear HopeToAdopt members:

I have recently been contacted by an agency director who is in desparate need of adoptive families.

There are currently three infant babies with no families. All are African American and healthy. There are two male infants ages 3 weeks and 8 weeks and one female infant that is two weeks old. If you think you could be a family to one of these infants please let me know as soon as possible.

Nate was that 8 week old boy. We met him two days later and brought him home two weeks later. And, because of that wonderful day in January, we got a wonderful day in April three years later, when the same agency contacted us about adopting Nate's little sister, who was due the next week.

You never know how one day will change your life. One phone call, one email, one decision. I am forever grateful for the moments I have leapt forward, not knowing what lay in the darkness. As Mom used to tell me, "Sometimes you have to move forward and trust the path will be opened before you." Most of those moments of blind faith, for me, have been in January, oddly enough. So, happy January, everyone! Isn't life marvelous?

Another song of the day

2011-01-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

"The Song of the Day" started with some of my online adoption ladies. I grew up with a lot of music in our home; my parents taught me to love it. I love it still, and a great deal of my life is set to a soundtrack, whether in my head or on the earphones. I often find that a song will pop into my head that accompanies and compliments whatever is going on in my day. My friends found that I could do that for their days, too, and so a little tradition was born.

This song was a mistake. I was listening to my "Cheer me up" playlist (yes, that is the actual name), and this song came on. I'm not sure why it ended up in "Cheer me up," because it didn't. But it does reflect what I've been thinking about the past few weeks. At what point do we give up on our wishes and dreams? At what point do we accept that we've done absolutely everything in our power to achieve our goals and we're just not going to make it? The line "I don't want to hear the sound of losing what I never found," describes perfectly where I am right now. Can I accept never finding that one child I feel is "out there?" Can I mourn for that loss and move on, or will I always have that echo of sound...the lost laughter and tears, the unheard voice that I've been waiting for, searching for, aching for. And if I decide I can do that...Am I just giving up? I was taught to never give up...it goes against the very grain of who I am. Questions, questions, questions...very few answers.

I know so many families waiting to adopt feel this way, over and over. So, this is dedicated to anyone and everyone having a tough time with "The Wait," whether it be adoption related or just life in general.

Lyrics:
I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

And the winner is...

2011-01-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

Competition.

When you think of all the aspects of life in which competition is involved, you come up with a pretty long list, right? From your kid's soccer league to economics, competition is everywhere. Including adoption. And this, I hate. All too often, hopeful adoptive parents (HAPs) see each other as competition for an expectant mother's attention and even for her baby. (Yes...I'll pause so you can wretch at the thought of half a dozen women constantly emailing and IMing one poor mother who is trying to make the hardest decision of her life...) They clamor and jump and shout, instead of calmly and lovingly supporting the expectant mother--and each other. Adoption is hard enough on HAPs without casting each other as the "bad guys" in your adoption story. And trying to decide to place and whom to place with is soul-wrenching enough without half a dozen (or more) HAPs trying to convince you that their family is "the best one." The only way to catch a scammer in the act, by the way, is through open and honest communication between HAPs, but if we see each other as competition, that doesn't happen.

Really. Can we not just love and support each other through this? Can people not see that this is best for ALL involved? Just...love a birthmom, help her, be her friend. If she decides to allow you to raise her child, give thanks and honor that trust she has put in you. But if she doesn't, don't feel like you somehow lost. Because knowing a woman who has placed her child or is going to place her child is an honor and a privilidge. These are amazing women with stories of their own, and they don't need to be run over by HAPs in a hurry to add to their family.

Well, that came out much more like a rant than I meant it to be. And many of you may not even have a clue what this is about, since adoption is such a unique world. The emotions of "The Journey" are hard to understand if you haven't been there yourself.

Tomorrow (or sometime this week), I'll write about more of the beautiful things in adoption--there are many, and they outnumber the other stuff.

Song of the day

2011-01-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I REALLY dislike John Mayer, too. But I was listening to this song today, and it really hit me. I wish I could sing it you all of you (although, if you knew how I sing, you'd be grateful I can't, lol), because so many of you are having a rough time right now. This was how I was raised: Bad things happen to good people, we experience pain, upset, fear. But life is good. And I'm here to tell ya'...it is. It really, really is. As I always say, it's ALL good! :) Enjoy.

Lyrics:
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

A day at a time

2011-01-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

This has been a rough week in a year of rough weeks. My poor dad had the misfortune of calling tonight and getting it all dumped on him. Poor guy. I used to call Mom and vent, cry, and generally have a nervous breakdown, so Dad isn't really used to this.

The issue that has plagued me this week could have long reaching ramifications for Lizzie's education and behavior modification routine, which keeps her on a positive track instead of spiraling back into regression. I ran down all the possibilities of what could or couldn't happen with my dad, who sat quietly on the other end until I talked myself out. "Well," I finally said, "I guess I can't just sit and worry about that now. We'll just take it one day at a time." It is a phrase my mom said to me often: "Just take it one day at a time." I use it all the time, finding comfort in the words I've heard her use so often.

Today, my dad jumped on those words. "Yes," he said. "You can't live in the future. You have to live today. And maybe not even a whole day; just part of one. But you have to take life as it comes."

My wise father.

A few months ago, he was telling me, "You can learn from the past, but you can't live there." Today, he was saying, "You can plan for the future, but you have to live today." Wow, I love that man! :) He's my own personal Yoda, but with better grammar!

I think I'm pretty good at remembering that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. But I forget that the journey is completed one step at a time. No matter how much I long for green pastures and still waters that I passed along the way, or dread the rocky peaks and barren waste lands I anticipate ahead, I still need to be mindful of the steps I am taking now. Today. One step at a time. I can't go back to the green pastures; I can't do anything about the rocky peaks. I can control the steps I take today. Are they strong steps, sure and confident? Are they placed along a path of joy and fulfillment? And though I stumble at times, do I get back up and keep walking?

I am grateful for the friends and family who have walked alongside me and picked me up when I fell, encouraged me when my steps faltered, called back to me when I lagged behind. In the adoption world, we often tell each other that adoption is a journey. It is. And life is a journey, filled with twists and turns, unexpected detours and maybe too few rest areas. I have found lately that is the people you chose to accompany you on this journey that bring many of its brightest and richest blessings.

Do I have a point? Maybe not. Maybe...if I do have one...it would be this: Learn from your past, plan for the future, but live today. Today is not all that matters...but it is the only part of our journey we can control.

Just a reminder

2010-12-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, I feel the need to once again remind everyone that we need your help in our adoption efforts. Your prayers and thoughtful discussion of adoption to those around you are vital. I don't know who the Lord wants us to bring home, but I know He expects us (and you) to keep searching! If nothing else, you will plant the seeds of adoption in those around you and encourage them to educate themselves.

We love adoption. Without adoption I would not be here (thank you for placing my Daddy, Grandma Hazel. I love you!), and our kids would certainly not be with us. The landscape of our lives would look so differently without the miracle of adoption.

So, be prayerful, be thoughtful, be sensitive. And be an advocate for this amazing thing called adoption. And if you have questions about how to discuss adoption or questions about adoption, this is the place to bring it up! I have awesome resources and a wealth of knowledge ate my finger tips (I'm connected with so many great people through adoption. So blessed!), and I am happy to pick their brains to help. And they are happy to help. :)

Love to all of you, my readers! ;) Have a great weekend!

Pardon my absence...

2010-11-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

I was trying to post every day during Adoption Awareness Month, but life has a way of making things hard. And things have been really hard around here the past couple of years. This year, especially. Monday was my mom's birthday, you see. And, while I knew it was coming, had it marked on the calendar in the back of my head, it wasn't until Sunday night that it really hit me: "MOM'S BIRTHDAY!" And, once again, I face the horrifying reality that she is not here and I'm reminded that the broken pieces of my heart aren't ever going to fit back together quite right, and that crushing feeling returns--that one that makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I can almost hear her chiding me, "Oh, stop being silly! I'm still here!" And I'm trying. I'm trying to enjoy life, not just endure it. I'm trying to dance in the rain, not just weather the storm. I'm trying to trust in God's plan for me and my family. I have a hard time with that--because I trusted God with my mom, and He took her. I am resolving those feelings of anger and betrayal, though. I am learning to trust again. Like every good thing in life, it is a lot of work. I know my mom would be proud of me for trying, for not giving up. As she always used to say, "Just keep on keepin' on!" We put our heads down, we lean into the yoke, and we just. Keep. Going. Because, as a wise man once said, even if you're on the right path, you'll still get run over if you just stand there.

One of my friends told me yesterday that great moms make great moms. I strive to be the great mom to my kids that my mom was to me. So here's to my mom. I know she's watching her littlest girl struggle and wishing she could help, but I know she thinks I'm doing a great job.

Here's my song for today. A little reminder that "There is no end to glory, there is no end to love
There is no end to being, there is no death above."

Love you, Momma. And I miss you.

Proud Mommy gushing...

2010-11-05T00:43:00.003-06:00

Nate's birthday is next week (*cough hint hint Grandma cough*). I can't believe he'll be eight! It's amazing! Where did that chubby little baby go?

There he is with my Momma.

Now he's a tall, lean kid who wants to be a ninja and conquer the world. If it wasn't for his skin holding him in, he'd shoot off in a million different directions at once. He is an old soul, wise beyond his years and intuitive to the point of being unsettling. And he still has that deep, direct gaze that makes people nervous because they feel like he is seeing right through to the heart of who they are. And maybe he is. My little Nate.

My handsome young man!

I guess I'm not real sure I have a point, really. Just that the sun rises and sets in this boy's smile. That I adore him beyond belief. And I wouldn't have him if it weren't for adoption. My last couple posts have been about how adoption is hard, but if there is one all-around lesson from this post, let it be that adoption is beautiful. It is miraculous. It makes families, it brings families together. It isn't perfect, by any means. But look what I get to see every day because of adoption!

I can't take credit for the genes, but I do take credit for that smile!

Yep! Adoption really is about love! And it really does rock!

Today's song

2010-11-04T00:14:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, I love music. Some of you think I am a veritable encyclopedia of song lyrics. :) Maybe. I was raised by parents who loved music, and they instilled that love into us kids. Although, my dad feels he failed miserably with me since I have a love of alternative rock that dismays him to no end. ;) Heehee Poor Dad!

Anyway, so I love this song. It helps me remember that there IS a reason and a rhyme to this whole adoption thing. Our two sweet kids ARE meant to be with us...it wasn't a random thing that they were placed in our home. At all. It is part of a greater, grander design. I still remember the very first moment I saw Nate...the jump of my heart and the feeling of recognition. The feeling of, "Oh! THERE you are! I've been looking for you!" We have been chosen to be adoptive parents to our kids. And we are prepared and qualified to help them face the unique challenges they will face in life.

I was crying on the phone to my mom a couple years ago, in despair over how to help Lizzie. I said, "I know she was sent to me because I am supposed to help her through this. I just don't know what else to do!" My wise mom (who I miss with every beat of my heart--oh Momma!) replied, "You are her mom! You will know how to help her. You're a good mom. Just trust yourself." We're all good moms, whether we're adoptive moms or biological moms. And we all have a unique love for our children. And we've been put in their lives--each of us--for a special reason.

Lyrics:

Well, I know there's a reason
And I know there's a rhyme
We were meant to be together
And that's why

We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it's forever
You understand

That you're always in my heart
You're always on my mind
But when it all becomes too much
You're never far behind

And there's no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place
'Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner
I could have gone another place
Then I'd of never had this feeling
That I feel today, yeah

And you're always in my heart
Always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You're never far behind

And there's no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place
'Cause only you can love me this way
Ooh

And you're always in my heart
You're always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You're never far behind

And there's no one
That comes close to you
Could ever take your place
'Cause only you can love me this way
Ooh

Only you can love me this way

November: National Adoption Month

2010-11-03T00:15:00.002-06:00

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Adoption is hard. Beautiful, yes; miraculous, yes; wonderful, yes. But hard. And not just for parents or families who are waiting, seeking, and hoping to adopt. It is hardest for those precious birthmoms. Take a moment (or better yet, many moments!) this month and celebrate birthmoms. Those priceless women! The ones who make families like mine possible! Love them, pray for them, honor them. We have one beautiful, courageous birthmom, about whom we think often and pray for daily. We pray she finds joy in knowing her children are safe and happy. And we pray she will be proud of the people we are raising them to be.

And so, in November, I'm trying to share more about adoption. Truth be told, it will probably just be my random thoughts that I'll somehow try to tie into adoption. But I want those of you who aren't directly involved in adoption to gain a better picture of what we who ARE directly involved deal with, grow from, and rejoice in when it comes to this wild and wonderful thing we call adoption. We are just normal people on an extraordinary journey, which changes us and molds us into the people God wants us to be. And it's hard. It hurts. But it's beautiful, and it brings joy. This is adoption. This is our life.

Nate's birthday wish list

2010-10-26T16:11:00.002-06:00

Yep, it's that time of year again. Nater-tater is turning eight in November. As you can imagine, he has a very specific list of what he wants for his birthday. And I have a very specific list of what I think he NEEDS for his birthday. Haha Here's the rundown, for anyone thinking of getting him something:

DON'T GET HIM:

Clothes. Nate does NOT need more clothes. He already has more clothes than will fit in his chest of drawers. The only exception is perhaps shoes, which he is VERY rough on. He wears a size 5. No, that isn't a type-o.
Jigsaw puzzles. He doesn't do them, and the pieces just end up all over the house. Sage chews on them, Lizzie throws them, I scream about them. Don't put us through that. :) Same goes for little critters that need to be put together or have interchangeable parts. Oh, the humanity! Have mercy on us!
Scriptures. Andy and I have been saving a set from Idaho Drug and we plan on giving them to him "from Grandpa Boyle."
A journal. This is something my mom gave to me when I turned eight, and I plan on doing the same for my kids. I have dibs on the journal! :)

DO GET HIM:

Books. Nate loves to read and is a pretty good little reader! He'll read anything, really, as long as it isn't about or for girls.
Dragons. In any shape or form. I'll even relent on the clothing if you find him a dragon shirt.
Art supplies. Colored pencils, crayons, paper. No markers, please, as they end up decorating my furniture and/or children (and sometimes dogs) instead of the paper.
Avatar: The Last Airbender toys
"The Karate Kid" movie. He's never seen it, but it might be good for him to see a little black kid be empowered.
A sea monster...thing. I guess it's a playset that has a sea monster in it?? Dunno.

Thus ends the wish list. Coming soon: The Family Christmas Wish List

Jump rope

2010-10-10T09:42:00.004-06:00

One of my absolute favorite songs right now is "Jump rope" by Blue October. I was feeling awful one day--missing my mom, hating the adoption process, and wondering what the heck Heavenly Father was thinking when He put the plan for my life together--when I stumbled across this song. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me so grateful that someone else in the world knew what I was feeling.

Often, the adoption process is referred to as a roller coaster ride. I always thought that was unfair, because I love roller coasters; they're fun! And the adoption process...isn't. And, on a larger scale, much of the time life isn't--it isn't fun, it isn't fair. And so, when I listened to the lyrics of this song, it really hit me. "Life's like a jump rope: Up, down, up, down, up, down, yeah. It will get hard, remember life's like a jump rope..." This is exactly right, in my mind. Up and down, life takes us. And after a while, it's a bit jarring, and our muscles start to hurt. Each "up" requires a great deal of effort on our part to launch ourselves upward, and the down follows, but if we keep jumping we get stronger. I know people who barely touch the ground before launching themselves back up. And I know people who can hardly muster the strength for the tiniest of hops.

What are your ups? What are your downs?

It will get hard. But there will be joy. And it will be worth it. "Don't be ashamed to cry. You go ahead! Cuz life's like a jump rope!"

P.S. Lizzie loves jumping on the bed to this song--learn from her and find joy in the ups and downs! A little wisdom from my baby girl to all of us--including me...

Doing what I can do

2010-09-12T00:34:00.003-06:00

Wish I had something deep and/or profound to say. Truly. I don't. I'm not deep and/or profound very often. If you want deep and profound, go talk to my dad or my sister. They are deep. They are profound.

I'm just me.

My mom used to always tell me, "You can only do what you can do." I'm not the kind of person people flock around; I'm not super funny, dazzlingly beautiful, or even deep and profound. I'm just me. Through this adoption journey, it has been easy (Oh! So easy!) to feel as if that isn't enough. I'm a quiet, mostly-happy person who doesn't have all the answers. I read, I write, I love a good action flick. I hardly ever make cookies, and I don't bake bread like my mom used to. I'm tired and scared, but I keep going anyway, because my mom taught me to step into the darkness and trust that God will open the way before me. I work hard, I play hard. I love to laugh. I can only do what I can do. I can only be who I truly am. And that IS good enough. Someday a birthmom will be looking for a quiet, laid-back family and here we'll be! We aren't perfect, but we'll be the perfect family for some birthmom and her baby.

You can only do what you can do. We all fall short. We all make mistakes. We all judge ourselves too harshly and wish to be better, different, more this, less that. But we are children of God. He loves us. And he only expects us to do what we can do. In life, in adoption. In all things.

Random

2010-08-19T00:47:00.004-06:00

I started writing this post as a general update, but it morphed on me. Since my mom died in April, I have leaned heavily on my siblings to help me through, especially my sister. I can't imagine life without them. I am the seventh of eight children, and each of of my siblings is a part of me. My life would be incomplete without them. That is why I ache for my children around this time every year. This time three years ago, we were fighting to bring home Nate and Lizzie's baby sister. I don't usually think about it, really. But she was the reason we are on this path now, so I guess it's fitting I post about her, at least once.

If you don't know my views on sibling placement, here it is: SIBLINGS SHOULD BE PLACED TOGETHER WHENEVER POSSIBLE! SEPARATING A CHILD FROM HIS OR HER BROTHERS AND/OR SISTERS SHOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT! PERIOD!

Yes. It is one of the strongest opinions I hold. Why? Because I was there, you see. I was there when my dad was trying to find his biological family. I heard the pain and disappointment in his voice when he learned his birthmom had passed just months before he managed to track her down. And I cried on the phone with my mom when he finally found his sister. Children should be spared that kind of pain and longing, if possible. Adult adoptees search for siblings more often than they do birthparents. The ties are there. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

When I think of DJ (I refuse to call her the name her adoptive parents gave her), I wonder what kind of difficulties she is having. Is she happy? Does she look at the blonde people in her family and wonder why she's so different? I wonder how her life be different if DCFS had followed their own rules and placed her with her siblings. She wouldn't live in that posh house, in that perfect neighborhood. She'd be wearing Lizzie's hand-me-downs and rolling on the floor with the dogs (something I guarantee she doesn't do now). I'm sure she's living a good life, full of love.

She deserves better.

I'm sure DJ is having a fine life, with the best money can buy. I am sure her parents love her...

...

but not enough to make sure she stays in touch with her brothers and sister. So, yes. She deserves better. Because I look at Ammon, Nate, and Lizzie and I want to weep because DJ doesn't have them in her life. They. Are. Awesome. She deserves to know them. She deserves Ammon's quiet smiles and Nate's soul-deep laughter. She deserves to run around, dancing singing and laughing with Lizzie.

I know someday she'll come looking for them, just like my dad went looking for his sister. And we'll all welcome her with open arms, and try to sooth away the pain of not having them for all that time. Until then, all I can do is take what I learned from our fight for our children's sister, and move forward. Am I still mad? Sometimes. But I'm also grateful. We learned so much about our birthmom and her family through that whole process. And my kids have a much better starting point for their search than my dad did for his. We don't talk about DJ. Nate is already mad enough that he doesn't live with Ammon. At least he gets to see Ammon, talk to him, love him. When I am mad, I'm mad on his and Lizzie's behalf. Because they deserve to know DJ, too. And that opportunity has been stolen from them. And as their mother, I rage against the injustice of it. But life isn't fair. And, as I've been telling Nate lately, sometimes Heavenly Father asks us to do hard things.

And I know my kids are strong enough to do this.

Back at it...

2010-08-02T21:32:00.003-06:00

First off, I have to curse Blogger profoundly. I logged in tonight, hoping to catch up on the adoption blogs I'm following, only to find that my list had been erased! Grrrr...! I know, whining about it doesn't help, but...well...it kind of makes me feel better.

Found the following on another blog today. There are several very similar versions of this list running around, so I don't feel bad about snurching it for my purposes. I am still amazed at how many people still refer to our kids' birthmom as their "real mom." What am I? Make believe? Here's a list of the does and don'ts. I've added a couple, and also added a comment here and there. Enjoy:

It is very important to adoptive families that others use correct terminology when talking about the topic of adoption, particularly when our children are present. For example...

To call some kids "natural" must mean that kids via adoption are somehow unnatural. To call biological kids "their own" and those through adoption "adopted", must mean that those through adoption aren't their own.

In order that our kids hear family affirming terminology, it is imperative for those discussing adoption and related issues to realize what TO say and what NOT TO say...

"They had two biological children, and two by adoption"...YES!

"This is her biological parent and her adoptive parent"...YES!

"Are you their REAL mother?"...NO!!!!

"How much did the adoption cost?" Oh please! They aren't a car! Unless you are specifically asking about the agency who placed them with us, DON'T ask! MYOB, as my mom used to say (that's Mind Your Own Business).

"Couldn't you have kids of your own?" OH PLEASE NO!! (And I will add to this, PLEASE don't share stories about so-and-so who adopted and then had "a miracle baby." My kids ARE miracles!)

Take the time to think about what you say, and be delicate with adoption related issues. Be careful not to be nosy just for curiosity's sake. Adoptive families aren't a side show for your entertainment, and we see you when you stare for prolonged periods. Most adoptive families LOVE to talk about how our families were formed, if the questions are genuine and courteous. We love to show off our beautiful children, but staring is just...well, like Momma always said...rude!

I'm sure I'll be adding to this list sooner or later. What are some of the cringe-worthy questions/comments you've come across?

Here's where I get depressing

2010-07-22T21:07:00.003-06:00

As you can imagine, the past few months have been...well...hellish, frankly. I wake every day to a world without my mom. Impossible. Unnatural. Even more impossible and unnatural is actually getting out of bed and making my way through the day. Without my mom. I have come to the deep and profound understanding that anguish in the next world would be to live apart from these amazing people I know as my parents, my brothers and sisters. To be without my mom for the rest of my life is horrendous; to be without all of them for the rest of eternity--unthinkable! Perhaps this is my silver lining.

I live, I love, but laughing has become almost painful; almost as unnatural as living in a world without my mom. And I find myself wondering if I will be able to feel the pure, sweet joy of bringing home another child if we are blessed with another. Or will that, too, be experienced through this veil of tears? And perhaps I should just let that dream go, since I am so obviously screwed up to the extreme right now. But I'm not sure I can take the pain of mourning the child who is missing but will never come home, along with the pain of losing my mom. I'm just not that strong.

I tell myself all is well, all is within God's plan. But it doesn't feel well. And I wish God's plan didn't hold so much heartache for me and my family.

Farewell

2010-05-12T22:36:00.003-06:00

On Thursday, April 15, 2010, my friend, my inspiration, my mother was received Home with open arms and great rejoicing. My father, her eight kids, 21 grandkids and her siblings are all left to mourn her passing. Words cannot express the loss we feel. Though we know she has gone to a better place, where she is without pain and sorrow, we miss her with each breath we take. Our hearts are broken now, but we hold to the promise that someday we will join her with cries of delight and tears of joy.

Goodbye, my sweet Mom. Your struggles are through now. You taught us the meaning of enduring to the end. You taught us the importance of going forward, even when we're afraid; how to trust in the Lord with all our might; how to get back up when life knocks us down. You loved life and you lived life as the world stood back and watched in awe.

I love you. I miss you. Till we meet again...

My Mom

2010-02-09T08:49:00.001-07:00

My mom is awesome. And I don't mean in a "Dude! Your mom is AWESOME!" kind of way. She is a truly awe-inspiring woman. Mother of eight children, married to the love of her life for 46 years, she is my example of a strong, vivacious, independent, dynamic woman. My dad was 22 and she was 20 when they wed. I've seen the pictures of the fresh-faced, smiling couple they were. That young Navy man had no idea that 46 years later, he'd be sitting by that beautiful woman's bedside, watching helplessly as cancer eats at her body. Last week, I joined him at my mother's bedside and saw these two amazing people struggling together, trusting in God and the strength they found in each other. And, drawing on his love for her and his knowledge of her, he told the doctors what he knew she would say if she could: "Keep fighting."

The doctors painted a bleak picture, giving my sweet little mom less than a 50/50 chance of making it through the surgery my father wanted for her. But, when asked during her lucid moments, she would give a defiant thumbs up. "Yes," she would clearly say with her bright blue eyes, "keep fighting!" So, last week, they took courage and wheeled her into the operating room, where a team of skilled surgeons labored over her for 16 hours. It should have killed her. They said it would. But, I told my sister, "They don't know our mom!" They weren't counting on her strength and faith. She came out of the operating room, very alive and still fighting. My mother's journey through this life is not yet over. She has defied the odds and the doctors. She continues to improve at an amazing rate. She is awesome.

I am really close to my mom. We've been best friends for...ever. As I struggled with the very real possibility of losing her much sooner than I was prepared for, I remembered what she'd taught me my whole life: God has a plan for each of us. He knows us. He is aware of our struggles and heartbreak, our challenges and tears. I know that, with all my heart. More now than ever. Trusting can be hard, but if we do, He will direct our paths for good.

Have a great day! :)

...or not

2009-11-26T11:36:00.001-07:00

We just learned that the fees for those adoption possibilities are insanely high. Ah well. Maybe next time.

We wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Maybe...

2009-11-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

We just got a lead on a couple of adoption situations. We haven't been able to talk to anyone about them, since the adoption attorney is gone for the week. Will know more on Monday. Just keep us in your prayers!

Happy Birthday, Nate!

2009-11-11T18:45:00.003-07:00

There is my little boy, turning seven. How precious and sweet a gift he is in our lives! I marvel at the speed at which the years have flown by. I feel I will wake in the morning and he'll be graduating from high school!

Today, I would especially like to pay tribute to Vicki and Stew, who were Nate's foster parents when he was born. They introduced him to his first comforting touches, quieted his cries of distress, and found delight in his daily triumphs. We tell Nate that Heavenly Father made sure he was loved by very special people until we could find him and bring him home. He looks at pictures of his baby self with them and knows them by name. I look at those same pictures and see the giant smiles, and am grateful he knew joy and love from the beginning of his life, even though Andy and I weren't there. So thanks, Stew and Vicki, for loving our son. Thank you for touching so many lives through your years of service as Foster parents. You are an example of selfless love to all who know you.

Enjoy the video of the celebration! :) It's a little long and unsteady, sorry.

Mom update

2009-11-06T23:29:00.003-07:00

News on the cancer front. Turns out, the cancer isn't back. The pathologist read the biopsy wrong. Um. Oops. Thanks for week from hades, geek boy. Anyway, she does have a sore in her throat. Her body has actually killed the tissue in a small area of her throat. They will treat by placing my mom through a series of visits to a hyper-barik (However you spell it) chamber, where they hope infusing her body with super O2-rich air will jump start the growth of new blood vessels in the area and regenerate the tissue. Sounds like something out of Sci-fi, doesn't it? It is reassuring that this is something the drs have seen before.

More news as I get it.

Also, I feel the need to once again remind everyone that we need your help in our adoption efforts. Your prayers and thoughtful discussion of adoption to those around you are vital. I don't know who the Lord wants us to bring home, but I know He expects us (and you) to keep searching! If nothing else, you will plant the seeds of adoption in those around you and encourage them to educate themselves. November is National Adoption Awareness Month, so let's make those around us aware of adoption and what a loving, selfless act placing a baby is! You'd be surprised how many people view adoptive parents as having "stolen" a baby. We do not steal babies! We do not buy babies! We are loving, caring people who want to love and cherish a child. No one can tell me that my kids would be better off with their birthmother. That simply isn't true. If you have questions about adoption or know someone who does, please don't hesitate to ask me! The adoption process in America is pretty messed up right now, but there are still good people striving to help the children by placing, adopting, or facilitating an adoption.

Love to all!

Bad news

2009-10-23T23:55:00.002-06:00

We heard from my dad today. The doctors found more cancer in my mom. They are unsure how they will proceed. They have referred her to another dr, who will help her decide if they should risk surgery or try more chemo/radiation. Please, please pray for my mom.

New adoption video

2009-10-13T23:25:00.002-06:00

Here's a new video, with a shortened version of our Dear Birthmother letter in it. :) Feel free to share it! :D

Adoption update

2009-09-24T14:23:00.003-06:00

Just letting everyone know that we didn't get the baby in MI. The birthmom decided on a family who lives closer so she could visit the baby once in a while. The lady at the agency did say she'd keep us on file; she says they "often" have to find matches for birthmoms outside the families on the agency's waiting list. They want us to print out more copies of our pictures, too. Oh yeah...that reminds me...we need new ink cartiges for the printer...Note to self. :D Anyway, at least we've gotten ourselves more exposure. :)

Keep praying for our adoption efforts. :)

Much love to all!

Andy, Mary, Nate & Lizzie

Our adoption video

2009-09-22T00:46:00.003-06:00

We'll see if this works. It's a big file...

Great news!

2009-09-17T10:23:00.002-06:00

My mom's scan results came back yesterday, and her tumor is gone! HOORAY!! Thanks, everyone, for your prayers on her behalf! The doctor says it will still be a while till she feels better, since they were zapping her with quite a bit of radiation. We're so happy, and feel so blessed!

Update II

2009-09-13T11:55:00.003-06:00

Yes, we're still here!

Thanks, everyone, for you prayers and concern for my mom. I have not talked with my folks this week, but last time I spoke to my dad, he said she was still feeling very naucious. The doctors were thinking perhaps it was her pain patch that was causing the nausia, so they're stepping down the dosage to see if that helps; if it does, Mom is of a mind to lose the pain patch altogether. It is hard enough for her to be sick, but to still feel sick when all the doctors say she should be feeling better--! Well, as you can imagine, it is very frustrating!

Nate started first grade a couple of weeks ago. He has been surprised and delighted that his teacher is nice. :) She certainly agrees with him! He comes home every day with stars and smileys all over his papers. She has earned his trust very quickly and he obviously is thriving under her teaching style! Nate has a visit to the orthodontist tomorrow. His teeth are just too darn big for his mouth!

Lizzie is feeling under the weather today. It's always a bummer to have her smile disappear behind a sad "I don't feel good" face. Here's hoping she feels better soon. She is going to the doctor soon to figure out an iron deficiency that has been making that smile disappear a lot lately.

Andy and I are doing fine. We're plugging along at the paper. Just the usual.

We do have a little news on the adoption front. We're being considered by an agency in Michigan for a baby due in December. Um...that's basically all we know. We do know the baby will be African American, but we don't know the gender. Our homestudy hasn't even made it there yet, so there's really nothing more to report. The agency is hoping to match the birthmom with a family soon, so we're hoping we hear something quickly. Michigan adoption laws are a little crazy, so if we are matched with this birthmom, we still may not bring the baby home until March, or even May! It would be a good teaching opportunity about Foster parents for Nate, who still doesn't quite grasp the concept.

That's it from us for now! We'll keep you updated on everything!

Update

2009-08-25T16:30:00.001-06:00

Hi, all! Still here! Sharing some pictures of our summer.

Nate played baseball...

We had a family reunion in Utah this year. ..

Fishing with some friends in the ward...it was quite a drive to the lake! The words "Don't hurt my Jeep!" were said several times, in a high-pitched, panicked voice. By me. :)

Hope everyone is well.

Mom update

2009-07-20T11:22:00.001-06:00

My mom is in the hospital again today. Keep sending those prayers!

Yep, still here...

2009-07-07T23:46:00.003-06:00

Hello, everyone. Yes, I know I'm sitting on pictures and video that need to be shared. I know I haven't posted in...well, a very long time.

Summer is always a busy time for us. There are waters to be fished and family reunions to be attended (and this year, for us, planned!). June, especially, takes a hard hit, with both of our birthdays and our anniversary!

This past June was difficult for us, however. Our fun activities were overshadowed by my mother's cancer returning. It has been heartbreaking to watch from afar as doctors slowly pump poison into her body, hoping to kill the cancer before they kill her. My mom is one of those people...well, she's one of those people. Up before dawn, awake till long after dark, she is the heart and soul of our family. She struggled and sacrificed to raise eight kids, and (in my humble opinion) she did a great job. And now, this force of nature is sick. She fights every day. She fights for more time with her kids and grandkids, for more time with her husband, for the mission they have been looking forward to for years.

(Tamara, you have my undying love and respect for watching your only son go through this. I don't know how you didn't go insane.)

I'm not telling you this so you can give me sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. But, my sweet, wonderful mom does need your prayers. They have the cancer on the run (they think), but mom continues to be incredibly ill from the chemo and radiation, and she needs some prayers to lift her. Let's see if we can't ease her struggles, even a little bit.

And, if you don't see me online for a while, know it is because I have weighty matters on my mind. I haven't forgotten about friends and family hoping for an update on my little family. I just have to worry about that little family more right now.

Love to all,
Mary

Live, Love, Laugh

Life is a winding road

Still breathing...

A few of my favorite things...

Friday!

Fighting

For a friend...

Express yourself

Support

Sing...sing a song...

Sharing time

It's complicated

Happy New Year

An update from us

Screwed up

Just a song today

Just for fun

Each life that touches ours...

Lack of words

Good-bye November, hello December!

Dream big!

Tree hunting day!

Confidence!

Happy Thanksgiving

Pieces of my heart

Um...days...whatever...

Day 15

Days 13 &14

End of the week

Happy birthday, Nate!!

D'oh! (Days 9 and 10)

Day 8

The Space Between

Yawn

Day 5

Day 4

Not forgotten

Nat'l Adoption Month Day 2

National Adoption Month

Just a song of the day

Waiting with the song of the day

Our adoption effort needs YOU!

Words

Friends

One by one

On strike

Nate the Great!

Madness!

Song of the day

Another picture day!!

Where you invest your love...

More pictures

Missing

Summer pics

A note about siblings (AKA an essay on love...yeah, it's long)

It's all about ME!

Change

Happy birthday, Hubby!

Song of the day, video of the day

While the family's away...

Dear Birthmother...

Just stuff

Happy Mother's Day?

The little things

Song of my heart

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

Dancing in the rain

Oh, I don't know

Perfection

Sharing is caring

Happy January, everyone!

Another song of the day

And the winner is...

Song of the day

A day at a time

Just a reminder

Pardon my absence...

Proud Mommy gushing...

Today's song

November: National Adoption Month

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you
when you have forgotten the words.”