It's empty in the valley of your heart

I'm listening to Mumford and Sons and mourning plans A, B, and C a little. They were good plans, we thought. What happened? Why did they not work out? We don't know. But I can see the paths and life we expected with each plan, and I can't help but feel a bit sad that Plan D hasn't taken us there. Plan D is (we hope) going to take us to equally grand views and still waters ... just different views, different waters.

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighed...


Well, we can't do anything about the "If only"s. We can only move forward, one step at a time. "Keep on keepin' on," my mom used to say. And so we shall.

"The ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life."

Song on the wind

Miss you, Mom. I heard this on the wind today and knew you were near. I love you.

Just a song today

Christmas is a melancholy time of year for me. I don't know if that will ever change. I think I will always miss my mom so, so much at Christmas. Words cannot convey the joy and zest she brought to each moment, but especially Christmas. So, just a song that has helped sooth my tired soul today. Yep, it's Mumford & Sons. Are you really surprised?

Missing

It's one of those nights when I sit and miss my mom. I miss her every day, with every breath I take; but I don't let myself just sit and really feel it very often. The sorrow is just kind of...always there...in the background. Nights like tonight, I long for her laughter, her voice telling me it's going to be all right.  And though I deeply believe she is still with me, that she still loves me, shares in my triumphs and pain...it isn't the same. Adjusting to a world without her has been (and continues to be) the hardest thing I have yet to do. Sometimes, I just have to take it day by day...or minute by minute.

I hope I can be the mom she always knew I could be. I think it's the times when I don't feel like I'm living up to expectations that I miss her the most. She was always my biggest fan, and she would cheer for me from the sidelines of my life. It's the times when I'm most weary, at my lowest, hardest on myself, that I really, really miss that.

I don't know that this post has much to do with adoption, except...Gee, I had a great mom! And  I was so incredibly lucky to have her as a mom! And...Gee...I hope someday my kids say that about me. Because I'm striving with everything I have to be to my kids, what my mom was (and still is) to me.