I've been wondering what to write about all week. It has been such a busy week, and with nothing to show for the business. I was frantically getting paperwork together for an agency, as we were going to be presented to a birthmom. We were a great match for what she wanted. We felt really good about pursuing this little guy (yes, a boy!), so much so that we hardly gave a second thought to the fees that would empty our savings. We pushed forward and every day that went by, we felt was bringing another little miracle closer to coming home.
But he didn't. He won't. DCFS stepped in and took that baby boy into custody. I have to admit, I'm still smarting a bit. This wasn't some vague "I know a lady who knows a girl..." kind of thing, or some attention seeking scammer. This was the most solid adoption opportunity we've been presented with in over a year. So I'm giving myself permission to be just a little heart broken about it falling through. I'm allowing myself to wish I was on a flight to pick him up right now. I'm letting myself wonder what he looks like, how he would have felt snuggled in my arms.
But I also keep going. If you keep your eyes downcast on the adoption journey (or any journey), you miss out on the beautiful vistas that crop up sometimes; all you see is the muddy track or the lines on the road. You will stumble, you will fall, but keep those eyes up, keep them on the horizon. Find joy in the journey.