Sunday, March 20, 2011

Oh, I don't know

I've been wondering what to write about all week. It has been such a busy week, and with nothing to show for the business. I was frantically getting paperwork together for an agency, as we were going to be presented to a birthmom. We were a great match for what she wanted. We felt really good about pursuing this little guy (yes, a boy!), so much so that we hardly gave a second thought to the fees that would empty our savings. We pushed forward and every day that went by, we felt was bringing another little miracle closer to coming home.

But he didn't. He won't. DCFS stepped in and took that baby boy into custody. I have to admit, I'm still smarting a bit. This wasn't some vague "I know a lady who knows a girl..." kind of thing, or some attention seeking scammer. This was the most solid adoption opportunity we've been presented with in over a year. So I'm giving myself permission to be just a little heart broken about it falling through. I'm allowing myself to wish I was on a flight to pick him up right now. I'm letting myself wonder what he looks like, how he would have felt snuggled in my arms.

But I also keep going. If you keep your eyes downcast on the adoption journey (or any journey), you miss out on the beautiful vistas that crop up sometimes; all you see is the muddy track or the lines on the road. You will stumble, you will fall, but keep those eyes up, keep them on the horizon. Find joy in the journey.


  1. You are an amazing person, Mary. YOu help me to remember to try to stay positive through all these trials.

  2. What a great reminder to find the beauty around us even when life looks bleak. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I love you!

  3. Ah Mary, I'm so sorry it didn't work out... yet. And especially since little guy went to into DCFS instead of with you guys. In a round-a-bout way, we know the feeling being SO close and having DCFS complicate our plans. Did you read the April Ensign yet? The infertility article? Your post reminded me of the quote about faith...

    "When someone has an ailment or illnes {trial} and they are healed {given their immediate wishes} as a result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected."

    I guess it could be said about adoption too, some of us just have to experience refining fires to perfect our faith. You are an elect example of that. Discouraged and "smarting" but still positive and optimistic about your adoption journey. You never cease to inspire and teach me. :) And I love you!


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