S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

Party, party, party at the Boyle household! Early bedtime for the kids, special dinner for Andy and me, and an extra episode on Supernatural on Netflix. Yep. We're crazy, wild people! HA!

Nate and I started putting up Halloween decorations today. Started with the orange lights and the ghost that makes scary noises as it zips along its line. Tomorrow, we'll put up the blinky ghosts lights. Not sure how long we'll be able to wait before we get the pumpkins. Nate is really excited about Halloween this year. In fact, he is really upset when he sees the Christmas decorations out at Walmart. "Halloween isn't even over yet!"

The homestudy visit is over. It went well. We're trying to decide what to do differently this year. What MORE to do. Any ideas?

Checking in

It has been a busy day around here. I've been working on my paracord stuff, chasing Lizzie around, trying to whip up dinner, and applying for jobs.

We've decided to renew the homestudy. Nate was the deciding factor on this one. He was horrified at the thought of quitting. "But...what if a mom is having a baby...and she wants to give it to us?" Well, try to explain THAT to those big, brown eyes! We have always wanted him to feel involved in the adoption process, and this is the first time he has expressed a strong opinion about anything involving it (besides wanting a brother, lol). I'm not thrilled at the thought of searching for another year . . . but at this point, we're so used to it, what could it hurt?

Song of the day, since it's been a while . . .

The video itself makes me motion sick, but the lyrics are perfect. "I'll kneel down, wait for now. . . I will wait, I will wait for you."

It's empty in the valley of your heart

I'm listening to Mumford and Sons and mourning plans A, B, and C a little. They were good plans, we thought. What happened? Why did they not work out? We don't know. But I can see the paths and life we expected with each plan, and I can't help but feel a bit sad that Plan D hasn't taken us there. Plan D is (we hope) going to take us to equally grand views and still waters ... just different views, different waters.

"If only, if only," the woodpecker sighed...


Well, we can't do anything about the "If only"s. We can only move forward, one step at a time. "Keep on keepin' on," my mom used to say. And so we shall.

"The ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life."

Song of the day

If you feel it, you do. If you don't . . . well . . . it's a great song, anyway. :)

Sunrise, sunset

Just another day around the Boyle house. Ran around town with Young Dog sticking her head out the window of the Jeep. Went swimming with Lizzie's Kindergarten class (Wow, that's a lot of work!). Fed the kids, played with the kids, kissed the kids, tickled the kids.

Didn't think any deep thoughts about adoption except that I wished a situation would work out for us. This is the last year we're trying, so the clock is ticking down toward homestudy expiration in September. Not real sure how to feel about that, to be honest. Some days I'm glad, some days really sad. For almost six years, we've been striving to add to our family, feeling that someone was missing . . . but we've come to a point where we feel we really and truly have done everything we can to find and bring that someone home. That brings some peace . . . but then there's the days I just long for another child . . . and then the days where I'm so completely happy with (or run ragged by, lol) the two I have I can't imagine adding another kid into the mix.

Whatever happens happens, if it's supposed to work out it will, let go and let God, it is what it is, it's all part of a plan . . . I've heard it all; I've SAID it all. But, really. I'm good. We'll be okay . . . cuz . . . we're us. And we always find a way to be okay, no matter what.

Sing...sing a song...

How many times have I said that songs often give me the words I've been searching for? That they express emotions I'm too weary or just too scared to express. Lots? Oh...yeah...guess so. Anyway, here's some songs for ya'! And hey...why don't you crank it up and sing along, eh? It's a stress reliever, believe me. :)

Have I posted this one yet? I can't remember. Oh well. It's Mumford and totally worth listening to again (and again and again and again...)

January is shaping into a kind of melancholy month for me. I and several of my friends have "hit the wall" as it were, with adoption. People outside the process don't see and don't really understand the emotion turmoil that  often constitutes an adoption journey. If  I could convey it in words, I would. I would lay it all out for you, dear readers...the tears, the hope, the heartache, heartbreak, the love, joy, and sweet sorrow. Each journey is as unique as the individual taking it, but so many of us find ourselves saying, "I will hold on as long as you like...just promise we'll be alright." And we hope it the darkness to see the light.

So, do me a favor and send out some extra prayers for the adoptive families you may know (or know about). They need a boost, they need a kind word or a smile. It is a painful, glorious thing, adoption. We can use all the love and support we can get.

Here's hoping the rest of January is awesome (since my nephew's birthday is usually a kind of good-luck date for me). Enjoy the melancholy...but remember to keep your chin up and remember the skies are still blue and the sun still shines...There's still reason to love and laugh. :)

Day 4

Oh, I've had a hard time thinking of a song for today! But I finally settled on one that is a little bit more upbeat. You'll have it running through your head all day long. "Happy is the heart that still feels pain; darkness drains and light will come again..." For sure. I'm not one of those super-optimistic people, but night will always push up day, as Mumford and Sons would say...actually...yeah, let's post that song, too. Two for one Friday!

I know I post this song a lot. But I love it. And it's my blog. So...there. (heeheehee)

Waiting with the song of the day

Today's song of the day describes so perfectly how every adoptive family feels about the children they are waiting for, hoping for, praying for, searching for. When asked "Why are you trying to adopt?" so many of us will answer, "We just feel like someone is missing." And we will wait, pray and search for the children meant for our families...because when we find them and their birthfamilies...we find a piece of ourselves, that missing piece of the puzzle. That's how we feel about it, at least.

So here's to those of us who are waiting! Waiting for "the call" from our caseworker. Waiting for contact from an amazing birth family we just "click" with. Waiting for babies to be born, papers to be signed. Waiting...for our children.

More pictures

It's a picture kind of day...

Whutcha' thinkin' Lizzie?

Big grins!

Gone fishin'!

Simply mawvelous!

Looking so grown up!

That's all for now! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! It has been a hectic one for us! Looking forward to school (but dreading it a little, too) for the kids. Summer has gone so quickly!

Change

The only thing in life you can count on is that i is always changing. People, places, relationships, they're constantly changing in small and big ways. Sometimes change is good, sometimes bad. Sometimes it's sudden, sometimes it's so gradual you don't even realize it's happening. It is almost always scary. And it is inevitable.

It seems like lately, just when I'm finding my footing after one change, another comes along to knock me on my butt. I'm not a big fan of change in the best of times, but the past couple years have especially soured me on it. The lack of change in our adoption status, coupled with the drastic and traumatic changes elsewhere in our lives often leaves me asking my Heavenly Father what more he could ask from me. I have started looking at change as some sort of punishment, something to be feared and avoided.

But, in truth, was it not a sudden change that brought Nate into our lives? From the time we knew of his existence to bringing home our chunky little guy was only two weeks. It was only ten days with Lizzie. Swift and glorious, the change each of them has brought into our lives is something we're grateful for every minute of every day. And so I continue to hope for glorious changes, happy changes; even when faced with deeply disappointing change.

I wish every change was smooth and easy, gradual and imperceptible. But that's not life. At least, that's not my life. Perhaps it means my Heavenly Father sees the need for drastic change in me...that I won't become the person he wants me to be without pushing and pulling me one way and another. Whatever the reason, I've realized I need to become used to the idea of change, both good and bad. As my mom would say, "You'll be alright." And I will be, because I am her daughter, and she raised me to be strong and determined, and to walk with faith.

Here I am, Momma. Do you see? I am trying. I am.

Song of the day, video of the day

Today's song of the day is "You Always Make Me Smile" by Kyle Andrews. Oh yeah, and this is our new adoption video. What do you think? I didn't get much of our "Dear Birthmother" letter in, I'm afraid. Hmmm... Well, let me know what you think so I can work out the kinks, okay!

Have a great day!

Dear Birthmother...

You're out there, right? You're not just some figment of my imagination ... I'm not running around foolishly believing in someone who doesn't exist, am I? I feel like I should be talking in a hushed, fake accent, saying, "Today, we are in search of the elusive Birthmother, also known as Expectant Mother, in adoption circles. Very rare, these marvelous creatures..." Well ... you get the picture. I've been running around searching for you, waiting for you, praying for you, and yet you never seem to appear. I guess my big question is...are you searching for us? Are you out there somewhere, wondering where the heck your awesome little adoptive family is? (You know--the family who loves family movie night and taking long road trips. Yeah...that's us! Here we are!)

I hope you're searching for us as much as we're searching for you. But...maybe you're not. Surely, with both of us searching so much, we'd find each other. So maybe you're not searching. Maybe you haven't even given us a second thought. Maybe you decided you just couldn't handle having us in your life, because that would mean you've placed your baby with us, and that's too scary, too hard, too...too...too...

Dear Birthmother (for this is going out to the woman who will someday be a birthmother to one of our children), adoption is hard. For all of us. It is hard, and scary, and sometimes almost impossible. But we're here to help you through the rough spots if you'll let us. We're here. Come and find us.

Happy Mother's Day?

Mother's Day is once again upon us. And I just don't know what to do with it. Before we adopted, Mother's Day was a cruel reminder that I wasn't a mother. I would rush home from church so I could cry, because even though the lovely people there assured me I was a mother (I just didn't have kids yet...which, if they'd stopped to think about it, was kinda' the POINT!), I felt like an outcast surrounded by women who could fulfill their calling as mother without outside help. After we adopted, it was hard to forget those pangs of Mother's Days past. I remember feeling so much relief when I finally had a child when Mother's Day rolled around...I finally was a mother! But those feelings of inadequacy, longing, and sorrow would creep back through the years to haunt and mock me, despite my best efforts. Guess that's why I'm human.

After we adopted, I had new pangs to worry about. Every Mother's Day, I mourn for my kids' birthmom's loss. I think of her alone, without her children, aching for them. I hope she has a measure of peace, but we always say an extra special prayer on Mother's Day, just in case. It weighs heavily on me that our joy came about through her sorrow. And that is something I hope and strive to never forget. So, strike two against Mother's Day.

Now, Mother's Day has a whole new element of sorrow, deeper and fresher than the rest. My mom died three weeks before Mother's Day last year. And now...it's a reminder that my mom isn't here anymore. (Not that I need a reminder; I'm always acutely aware of her absence, especially since we were so close.)  Mother's Day has become a day I painfully grin while my children celebrate me, their mother, while I desperately miss my own mother.

There has to be a point in there somewhere, right? Maybe it's this: Whether you're a biological mom, a birthmom, foster mom, adoptive mom, or a woman wishing and longing to be a mom...don't wait to honor the women in your life. Don't wait for others to honor you in order to feel validated.  I am grateful that I celebrated my mom always, not just once a year. She never had to receive my cards or gifts, because I told her almost every day how much I loved her. There was never any doubt of our love and devotion, and we didn't need Mother's Day to tell each other how much we adored each other. Life is oh, so desperately short. Too short to wait to say the words in your heart. Too short to wait to hear them from someone else. Give love, receive love, and go confidently through life knowing you won't regret showing that love. I know I haven't.

Each of us is surrounding by outstanding women in our lives. Look around...you know it's true. Tell them how wonderful they are. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Not because you're a mother. But because you are a loyal friend; a loving wife; a doting aunt; an understanding sister; a Child of God.

P.S. I try not to write about my mom on this blog too much. It is painful for me and probably uncomfortable for you. But the further I travel in this adoption journey, the more I realize (and am grateful) that my mom shaped me as a mother in so many ways I never imagined. And it only seems fitting that my grief would mark this leg of my journey and interweave itself into the tapestry that is my life--all aspects of my life, even adoption. So pardon me if my sorrow comes to the surface more often than you would like. But...really...it IS my blog, after all. *wink*