The only thing in life you can count on is that i is always changing. People, places, relationships, they're constantly changing in small and big ways. Sometimes change is good, sometimes bad. Sometimes it's sudden, sometimes it's so gradual you don't even realize it's happening. It is almost always scary. And it is inevitable.
It seems like lately, just when I'm finding my footing after one change, another comes along to knock me on my butt. I'm not a big fan of change in the best of times, but the past couple years have especially soured me on it. The lack of change in our adoption status, coupled with the drastic and traumatic changes elsewhere in our lives often leaves me asking my Heavenly Father what more he could ask from me. I have started looking at change as some sort of punishment, something to be feared and avoided.
But, in truth, was it not a sudden change that brought Nate into our lives? From the time we knew of his existence to bringing home our chunky little guy was only two weeks. It was only ten days with Lizzie. Swift and glorious, the change each of them has brought into our lives is something we're grateful for every minute of every day. And so I continue to hope for glorious changes, happy changes; even when faced with deeply disappointing change.
I wish every change was smooth and easy, gradual and imperceptible. But that's not life. At least, that's not my life. Perhaps it means my Heavenly Father sees the need for drastic change in me...that I won't become the person he wants me to be without pushing and pulling me one way and another. Whatever the reason, I've realized I need to become used to the idea of change, both good and bad. As my mom would say, "You'll be alright." And I will be, because I am her daughter, and she raised me to be strong and determined, and to walk with faith.
Here I am, Momma. Do you see? I am trying. I am.