Mary confesses!

It must be said!

I'm an animal-loving, potato-eating, out-loud-laughing farm girl who has been transplanted into Butte, MT. I still long for the wide-open spaces of my youth.  

I love seeing field upon field of wheat, potatoes, and barley growing beneath a clear blue sky. The smell of freshly cut alfalfa fills me with joy, as does the site of ripe wheat in the golden afternoon sunlight. And, most of all, the site of baby animals--even the cows!--just tickles me to no end.

I'm most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. I think a baked potato and a nice grilled steak are fine dining (sorry, vegetarian and vegan friends!). I think kids should play in the dirt, make mud pies, and know the joy of finding a litter of kitties in the hay stack; they should sleep out under the stars, climb trees, and watch thunder storms sweep across the fields with awe and wonder.

I sometimes dream about living among pine trees, far up in the mountains my mom taught me to love. I still consider the mountains a place apart from the rest of the world . . . almost sacred; a place where I remember who I was and still am, a place where I can immerse myself in God's creations and feel close to Him.

Life's journey has taken me out away from the farm (but thankfully kept me close to the mountains). But beneath the citified, scatter-brained exterior beats the heart of a simple (still scatter-brained) farm girl. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Checking in

It has been a busy day around here. I've been working on my paracord stuff, chasing Lizzie around, trying to whip up dinner, and applying for jobs.

We've decided to renew the homestudy. Nate was the deciding factor on this one. He was horrified at the thought of quitting. "But...what if a mom is having a baby...and she wants to give it to us?" Well, try to explain THAT to those big, brown eyes! We have always wanted him to feel involved in the adoption process, and this is the first time he has expressed a strong opinion about anything involving it (besides wanting a brother, lol). I'm not thrilled at the thought of searching for another year . . . but at this point, we're so used to it, what could it hurt?

Song of the day, since it's been a while . . .

The video itself makes me motion sick, but the lyrics are perfect. "I'll kneel down, wait for now. . . I will wait, I will wait for you."

Still hoping, praying, wishing, trying

Still trying to adopt! Share our page, y'all! We can't do it without you!

another Saturday...

It has been a full day here at the Boyle house! Nate spent the afternoon riding bikes and playing on the spip n slide with one of his buddies. Andy was at a festival selling my paracord stuff all day;Lizzie and I joined him for a while and had fun in the sun! Always nice to have an outing minus tantrums, etc. :) I'm all tuckered out, and I still have to come up with something for dinner. Hmmmm... We are still trying to decide if we are going to renew the homestudy. We have a lead we are hoping works out...of course, the last time we had a match the birthmom dropped off th emap 2 months later. So, we are taking things one tiny step at a time; we aren't matched yet, and may not be for some time to come...but it is always nice to have a little hope.

Our adoption journey

Because I've never actually put it all in one place before...I think it's about time...

Andy and I were high school...friends. Not sweethearts by any measure. We had a large group of friends (the band nerds) who hung out together and we just enjoyed that. We laughed, we did stupid things...we had fun. High school ended, college started, and even though we both lost touch with most of our other friends, I never could write Andy off. He was the nicest guy I had ever met, and no matter how bad he was at returning phone calls (and still is) I really liked having him in my life. Anyway, after being good friends for six years, we suddenly looked at each other and thought, “Wait a minute!” and were married six months later. We should seriously have a romantic comedy based on our story.

One thing I knew about Andy going into our relationship was that he couldn't have kids. He had battled leukemia in his teens and the radiation had left him unable to father children. This was the only thing his family saw him cry about in the four years of treatment for his cancer. They told him when he was 15. Even then, at that young age, he had a strong desire to be a dad and he was heartbroken thinking it might not happen. It would take him a few years to realize adoption would still give him a deep, loving bond with his children.

I, on the other hand, had been raised with adoption as a way of life. My dad is adopted and my oldest sister adopted three kids, so it was a “normal” thing for me. I fully intended to adopt kids if I could; I felt it was a path I was meant to tread. By the time we were married, Andy's mourning was over and we were able to embrace adoption together. I remember being so excited and nervous about it; Andy was mostly nervous. It was a roller coaster ride, but we held on to each other and  screamed when we needed to. We had two long years of waiting for our first child, Nate. Those years taught us patience and trust in God, things we continue to work on today.

Nate came out of the blue. I had signed us up for an adoption profile site—one of the first ones to be in existence as far as I know—and I got an email one night about an agency looking for parents for three babies. I responded, saying we would be interested. I didn't think anything would come of it. That was a Wednesday night. Thursday morning, our profile was forwarded to the agency. Friday morning, I was on the phone with the agency director and we were told a baby boy, three months old, was waiting for a family in our own little town. Were we interested? Um...yeah! We met our Nate for the first time the next day (nine years ago on Saturday!) It took two weeks to get the red tape out of the way; he came home Valentine's Day weekend. We were, and still are, head over heals in love with this gorgeous, happy baby boy. Andy would hold him on his chest and cry over him, “My son...my son...my son.” He was a dad at last, and it was everything he had dreamed.

A semi-open adoption (pictures, letters, phone calls, but no identifying information) was pretty progressive back then and that's what Nate's birthmom asked for, so that's what we agreed to. I remember writing her our first letter when Nate was six months old: “Hello, we are the family who adopted your son,” was how we started our relationship with his brave Mama, Mama L.

In the ensuing years, I watched my dad search for and find his biological family. I was so thrilled for him when he finally found his older sister. Andy and I promised each other we would do all we could to keep another sibling group from experiencing the loss and sorrow of being separated by adoption; so, when it came time to start the adoption process again, we signed up for a foster/adopt program and hoped for a sibling group. It only took four months. And it was nothing like we were expecting.

It was another email.

“L is here at the agency. She is due next week and asked if you could adopt the baby. Are you interested?” Um...yeah! We had ten days to prepair for a baby instead of the older sibling group we had been expecting. One of the agency case workers told us it was a boy.  When we got to the agency, we were told that not only was Mama L having a girl (oops!), but she wanted us to meet Nate's brother. A brother?! We had no idea.

Two days later, we met Elizabeth Hazel (Elizabeth for my sister and Hazel for my dad's birthmom) for the first time. She was just 24 hours old, with enormous brown eyes that met mine as soon as I spoke her name. “Look how she already responds to you!” Mama L said joyfully.

That day, we also met A, who was five at the time. A and Nate were immediately best friends, from the moment they laid eyes on each other. All the parents in the room (adoptive and birth) shed a tear of gratitude that we were able to bring the three of them together: Best buddy brothers and precious baby sister.

Our relationship with A and his family has grown and blossomed over the years. Adoption brought us together to make a new family, and we love them so much! L now gets pictures with all three of them together, grinning just the same smile. A's mom is like a sister to me and we call and email often. Andy and I kept our promise: A group of siblings has been kept from the sorrow of wondering where their siblings were, we insured that bond was safe.

I think the lessons we've learned from adoption are 1.) Life doesn't turn out the way you plan. Sometimes, it turns out much, much better! 2.) The promises made in adoption are sacred, and you're held responsible for them. We promised to save a sibling bond, and we were given that opportunity. We don't think that was a coincidence. But, then again, we don't think anything in adoption is a coincidence.

I cannot lie, the adoption process has much to be desired. But, adoption itself can be wonderful and joyous for everyone involved; it is also heartbreakingly hard for everyone involved. But, the hard times make individuals, couples and families stronger if we let them.

Nate is now nine and Lizzie is five. There is no doubt in our minds that they were meant to be together. To hear them laughing as they play in the backyard with the dogs or climb all over their dad is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. No, our adoption journey didn't take us where we expected! It took us where we were supposed to be. 

A few of my favorite things...

Ah, The Sound of Music! *happy sigh*

OK, so there have been some new people join the ranks here at Live, Love, Laugh. Welcome, new readers! This is probably a great opportunity for me to re-introduce myself and do a list of my favorite things. I think I've done this before, but it's just too much fun, posting that song! I'm leaving out my husband and kids, cuz...yeah...of COURSE they're on top of my list of favorite things!

• The Sound of Music. I mean, really. Captain VonTrap, Maria, the children! Wonderful memories of sitting around an old black and white TV eating popcorn and wondering if the Nazis would find the family! Oh, the childhood suspense! 
• Dogs. Happy, loving souls sent to give us comfort. I adore my dogs and dogs in general. I work with a dog rescue group, and I love it! I also braid and weave leashes and collars in my spare time, which I find very satisfying. LOVE dogs!

• Music. Music is necessary for my sanity, so I'm not sure it should really be on this list since it's essential to my life as I know it. But I do love music and it's ability to speak to me and for me. I love hearing my kids singing at the tops of their lungs, just like my mom used to.
• Writing. As with music, writing is essential for my existence. Words on paper, images in my head...connecting the two is powerful to me and integral to who I am.
• Driving. Sometimes, I just have to get behind the wheel of my Jeep and take a nice, long drive to clear my head. There's something about being in the Jeep with the music going and the Montana countryside flying by the window that soothes me. I love to drive.
• Rain. Oh my, the joy of rain (the physical, not metaphorical). Rain reminds me of spring and green things growing. It's refreshing, invigorating, and renewing. 
• Lazy afternoons with my kids. Nothing beats snuggling up in a blanket on the couch and reading or watching a movie with two of my most favorite people on earth (my kids, of course). Add my hubby to the mix and life is grand!

Well, those are just a few. How about you? What are your favorite things? ;)

Sing...sing a song...

How many times have I said that songs often give me the words I've been searching for? That they express emotions I'm too weary or just too scared to express. Lots? Oh...yeah...guess so. Anyway, here's some songs for ya'! And hey...why don't you crank it up and sing along, eh? It's a stress reliever, believe me. :)

Have I posted this one yet? I can't remember. Oh well. It's Mumford and totally worth listening to again (and again and again and again...)

January is shaping into a kind of melancholy month for me. I and several of my friends have "hit the wall" as it were, with adoption. People outside the process don't see and don't really understand the emotion turmoil that  often constitutes an adoption journey. If  I could convey it in words, I would. I would lay it all out for you, dear readers...the tears, the hope, the heartache, heartbreak, the love, joy, and sweet sorrow. Each journey is as unique as the individual taking it, but so many of us find ourselves saying, "I will hold on as long as you like...just promise we'll be alright." And we hope it the darkness to see the light.

So, do me a favor and send out some extra prayers for the adoptive families you may know (or know about). They need a boost, they need a kind word or a smile. It is a painful, glorious thing, adoption. We can use all the love and support we can get.

Here's hoping the rest of January is awesome (since my nephew's birthday is usually a kind of good-luck date for me). Enjoy the melancholy...but remember to keep your chin up and remember the skies are still blue and the sun still shines...There's still reason to love and laugh. :)

Happy New Year

Ah, a fresh new year. A time for new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams and goals. Do you make resolutions? I've stopped making resolutions a couple years ago. I figure I'll just do the best I can, each and every day. Some days the best I can do is awesome...sometimes not so awesome. But I still try.

You can only do what you can do, my mom used to say. Seems like I've been wishing I could do more lately. Spend more time with my kids, make more money at my job, grow more spiritually, be a better wife. Is it just me? Anyone else not feeling good enough, smart enough, etc? Gee, I wish I could remember how awesome I am, all the time! I wish I WAS awesome all the time. But, we're all of us human.

So, maybe in addition to trying my best, I will also forgive myself more often. Give myself a break when I fall short of my own expectations.

Sounds like a plan.

Just for fun

Yeah, I'm in a fun mood tonight. I was reminded today that I am glad to be ME. Even though being me kinda' stinks sometimes (I think), I am an unique and awesome individual (stand back, lest the awesomeness overwhelm  you!), with a kind, compassionate husband and marvelously dynamic children. ROCK ON, Boyle family! WOOT!

Seriously, I'm one of those people who believes most things happen for a reason. If I take out even one piece of my life so far...pull at one colorful string in the intricate pattern of my life...and it all falls apart. Do I wish some things hadn't happened? Oh, you betcha'! But I also believe that I can let those things shape me into a better person or I can linger in sadness and despair. And the whole sadness and despair thing isn't really an option for me, because I have too much life to live still. I have kids to raise (and more to adopt, I hope), a husband to love, family to support! Places to go, people to see! Do I get sad? Uh...YEAH! Do I get depressed, of course! But I also pick myself up, dust myself off, and KEEP GOING!

I've been having the best time dancing to this tonight (in my chair, haha!). Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Lack of words

I really dislike sitting down to write--whether it be for this blog or another writing project--and not having words. I sit and stare at the blank page, yelling at my brain to feed my fingers something to type, but it doesn't work. Today is one of those days. So, just a couple fun little videos that I hope bring a smile to your face this snowy day.

First, one of my favorite scenes ever (EVER!!), from Charlie Brown's Christmas:

And the second...well, our adoption video, of course! View! Smile! Share!

Have a great day, y'all! :)

Dream big!

Sometimes, it seems like adoption is all about hopes and reams. Hoping for a match with  a family, dreaming of the child who will eventually (hopefully) join the family. Dreaming of the family you want for your child, hoping that child will have the life you've envisioned for him or her....

Hope, hope, hope...

Dream, dream, dream...

Here's to all our hopes and dreams (and yours) becoming realities in the upcoming year!

Tree hunting day!

A few years ago, we decided we would rather go up into the mountains and cut our own Christmas tree. We've made it a tradition. It is, on the whole, a lot of fun. Lizzie especially had fun this year, running around after Andy. Here's the day in pictures. Enjoy!

First, breakfast at Perkins! 

"Yes, I AM the cutest thing you've ever seen!"

"I'm too handsome to be cute."

Then it was off to the mountains! We took Old Dog with us. She hasn't had much chance to be out and about with the family lately, so I thought this might be fun for her. She disagreed. 

"I'm not talking to you!"

Lovin' every minute of it!

I refrained from singing 'The Sound of Music.'

Snow angels!

Aw!

Yes, yes. You ARE handsome and wonderful!!

Shelly is ready to go home!

A wonderful time was had by all (except Nate, who kept saying it was "boring"...where have I gone wrong with that kid?). I love being in the profound silence of the mountains. Time loses its meaning, and I find myself at peace among God's creations. Until Nate yells, "I have snow in my boot!" 

Hope y'all are having fun with your own holiday traditions! Do feel free to share what they may be. :)

Today's song:

"If you feel discouraged

When there's a lack of color here

Please don't worry lover

It's really bursting at the seams

Absorbing everything

The spectrum's a to z"

Remember...our view of life is so limited. You never know when your black and white view will burst into vivid, beautiful color! Such is life...such is adoption. Never take any of it for granted.

Confidence!

Here's a song for those at the beginning of their journey...or in the middle and just wondering where they heck they're going...

A little confidence...or even just telling yourself you HAVE confidence...makes all the difference. And I love the line that the Rev. Mother gives Maria: When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window. Let's not forget to look for those windows in our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving

Ah, here we are! The day before Thanksgiving! I hope you are all feeling as lucky and blessed as I am. Life can be so chaotic that we forget the simple, wonderful things that make life...LIFE.

Today's song reminds me of adoption because my good friend (who is planning to place her baby for adoption) says it reminds her of adoption. It's a quiet song, but very emotional. Try turning off the lights and just...listening.

I know! I'm missing more and more days, here! It's a busy time of year around my house, so bear with me y'all. Today's song...one of my all-time faves. Makes me cry a little every time I listen to it. Today's version is by Adele, cuz I just think that lady has SOUL, baby!

I think this song is not only about lovers, but ANYONE you love...I'd go crawling down the avenue for my husband (cuz he's so darn amazing), but also for my kids. I'd go to the ends of the earth for my siblings. I wish I could make all my kids' dreams come true. There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do...

Um...days...whatever...

Oooookay, so this week has been busy! What, you mean the blog posts didn't magically transfer from my brain to the computer while I slept? DRAT! Well, here's another light-hearted song. I love Finding Nemo, especially Dory, and she has the perfect view on life...it applies great to adoption, too.

Day 15

Today's song is by Greg Laswell. Just listen. You'll feel the adoption parts in there...

Days 13 &14

Guess I'm falling a wee bit behind. *sigh* This is harder than it looks!

Today's song is on the lighter side, even though I sometimes wonder if this is how adoptive parents are seen: as Gogans instead of Nora. I know so many awesome Noras, just wanting to help, love, protect...

D'oh! (Days 9 and 10)

Well, nobody's perfect. I did say I'd try to post every day.

I'm listening to Christmas music already. Yes, I know. But, I really, really like Christmas music! And, as you can imagine, it has kind of driven adoption-related lyrics from my mind. I'm not ready for a foot of snow or icy roads yet (Montana, remember?), but I do love that special feeling around Christmas time.

Wait...what was I supposed to be talking about? Ooooh, that's right: Adoption! Well, here's a song that  speaks to me of adoption...it actually speaks to me of many things, and I've listened to it many times over. Finding joy in the journey of adoption can be such a hard thing. The ups and downs, twists and turns...when I'm on road trips I get car sick, and I have to say that the journey of adoption has often made me emotionally car sick. But...it's all part of life, right? Adoption or not, we all have our own winding roads, our own mountains to climb. I hope I can pause more often and enjoy the view...

The Space Between

When we went to pick up Nate from the agency, half the valley lost power. Traffic was backed up onto the interstate and all through town. We have driven an hour and a half and were just on the interstate, just off our exit ramp. It took us another hour to get to the agency. While we were sitting there, freaking out because we were late for picking up our first child, this song came on. I turned it up, up, up, so loud it was all I could hear. So loud it drove my anxiety away. So it always reminds me of adoption.