Thursday, July 22, 2010

Here's where I get depressing

As you can imagine, the past few months have been...well...hellish, frankly. I wake every day to a world without my mom. Impossible. Unnatural. Even more impossible and unnatural is actually getting out of bed and making my way through the day. Without my mom. I have come to the deep and profound understanding that anguish in the next world would be to live apart from these amazing people I know as my parents, my brothers and sisters. To be without my mom for the rest of my life is horrendous; to be without all of them for the rest of eternity--unthinkable! Perhaps this is my silver lining.

I live, I love, but laughing has become almost painful; almost as unnatural as living in a world without my mom. And I find myself wondering if I will be able to feel the pure, sweet joy of bringing home another child if we are blessed with another. Or will that, too, be experienced through this veil of tears? And perhaps I should just let that dream go, since I am so obviously screwed up to the extreme right now. But I'm not sure I can take the pain of mourning the child who is missing but will never come home, along with the pain of losing my mom. I'm just not that strong.

I tell myself all is well, all is within God's plan. But it doesn't feel well. And I wish God's plan didn't hold so much heartache for me and my family.

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